I wish I had my video camera...

... but I did take some film in my mind and my little heart. Sometimes we have moments in our life that we wish we could capture and replay over and over. Sometimes we have inspirations from the Holy Spirit that we wish we could share in the same way the Lord shared them with us. And sometimes we just have a crazy moment that would mean nothing to you, but means everything to me. Tonight we gave up on cooking (after thinking I may be in labor soon) and went to the Cracker Barrel with the boys. It was super fun. Just our little family... fried chicken, peg board games, biscuits and some awesome sweet tea. It was peaceful and our boys were so well behaved, as they always are. On our ride home, we put on one of our favorite songs... Lady Antebellum's Own the Night. We have a tradition now where the moment the song comes on, we just start jamming away... everyone is clapping, everyone is singing (or at least trying to) and everyone is giggling.

For some people it may have just looked a bunch of crazies being crazy in the car... for me it was a sign that we are blessed. We are made happy by simple things. And we have a great time together... we have joy... just like God calls us to. We are a family just trying to make it by throwing joy into our daily lives... however we can. I wish I had that video camera. But, even though I didn't, I had the reassurance tonight that all is well... in the midst of waiting on a baby, making tough decisions, having the troubles of the world at our feet, being exhausted, and the list goes on... all is well... we have one another. God is good. All the time.

I promise to not forget...

I know... the picture above doesn't look real. Just wait till I move my hands... the big watermelon will fall right to the floor. Ha. Just kidding. That is really my belly. Outrageous.

Always together. Always smiling. They must have good parents. ;)

Our family beach trip to Daytona at the beginning of May. No trips this summer... baby is coming!

And below... my three studs. I am a blessed woman!

As we near the end of this pregnancy, I am promising myself to not forget so many things... the best way to do that is to write them down.

First, I promise not to forget this pregnancy in all its glory, but mostly in all its sufferings and sacrifices. Those sacrifices are so important to me and were offered for so many very important things... things that are so close to my heart. One of the best things I have found about being Catholic actually is the redemptive suffering. There is never suffering for no reason at all. It always has a purpose. So, for all those people and circumstances in my heart... especially my family, the sweet souls entrusted to me, my friends on the verge of divorce, the fidelity of priests, those preparing for marriage and those people who are suffering chronically. These sufferings were used for you. I will not forget the terrible morning sickness, all the mornings I could not stand up in the shower, the awful headaches and vertigo, not being able to get around as quickly, the numb spot in my back, and ohhh goodness gracious... those terrible, horrible, no good restless legs, which left me awake many many nights. It was all worth it. (Let's not mention labor and delivery yet!)

Second, I don't want to forget what my life was like with just 2 little boys. I have never learned more... about how to let go, about how to create an adventure out of nothing, and about how much boys just adore their mom. I have never had more fun watching two boys at such a young age become the best of friends. I would not trade it for anything. You can see from the pictures above that they are the most beautiful (OK, handsome) little guys in the world. I love them with my very core. I spend all day and every day with them and wouldn't trade being a stay at home mom of two little boys for anything... even in the midst of the toilet water everywhere, the dirt, the wrestling, the jumping, the sword fights, the blocks, the forts, and of course, the dance parties. I have had the time of my life with two precious boys. Will there be another boy? Likely. And the testosterone will just increase and I will learn so much more... and if a girl... well, that's another story for another day, but I would gladly welcome big pink bows in my house any day!

Lastly, I will never forget the uncomplaining, selfless, every day love, support and presence of my amazing husband. I know now why so many women cut off their fertility... it's because they don't have a real man to be there with them. It is in my husband that I find the hope and joy in my day. He does everything in his power to make my life easier every day. (And I try to so hard to do the same). He has let me sleep in countless mornings, has made me breakfasts that I can get down, he has come home early to bathe the kids, get them to bed, do dishes and then head back to work. Then, not to mention him rubbing my legs through the night so I can attempt to sleep. He has managed to do a ton of research to find just about any supplement that would help any and all of my ailments I have had. He has literally worked his butt off for our family. He has been fixing our cars, and doing countless nesting jobs... even the silly ones. And in the meantime, he has taught me how to always keep disciplining our kids at the forefront and he has managed to spend much time playing hard with the boys... since this big pregnant mama can no longer wear them out. He is quite a man. I love him.

So, cheers, to this pregnancy. And may there be many more! For HIS glory if He wills.

Prayer after Communion

I didn't know who wrote this prayer until tonight, but I was curious, so I checked it out. St. Richard of Chichester wrote it. I was taught this prayer in high school by Fr. Lopez. He had us memorize the prayer and he suggested that we pray it each and every time we kneel down after receiving the Eucharist. So, from high school on, that is what I have done. I also had all of my students memorize it. And now, I even pray the prayer aloud for Gabriel to hear when we kneel down after communion...

Thanks be to thee, my Lord Jesus Christ, for all the blessings you have given to me; for all the pains and insults you have borne for me. Oh, Most Merciful Redeemer, Friend and Brother, may I know thee more clearly, love thee more dearly and follow thee more nearly. Amen. 

If only I could've started to write a book years ago on this prayer and the sentiments it brings after each reception of the Holy Eucharist. Each week the prayer has meant so many different things. Some weeks, I could just cry from sheer joy when I pray the first part, thanking Christ for the blessings in my life. There are other weeks where I can not even pray the second part without tears streaming down my face... because there are things that Christ has surely given that are very difficult and very sanctifying. And then there are weeks where I love the end, when we ask him to allow us to love him more, to follow him closer, and we call him different names... Redeemer, Friend, Brother... all three so different, but so true... especially in different moments of our faith walk.

So, I share this with you, so you can learn it. It is a powerful prayer for me and I am so grateful that this humble man from Chichester wrote it and Fr. Lopez had us learn it.

As I prayed it this past week I was overwhelmed with joy, thinking about bringing a child into the world soon. A new soul, a new little face, a new personality to just make everything in my life more full! I was also overwhelmed with exhaustion while I thanked Christ for all the pains he had granted me... pregnancy is no walk in the park. It has been a tough go this time... the vertigo, the heartburn, the back pain, the restless legs, the lack of sleep, the discomfort, the moods. All completely sanctifying. But, so hard.

What I realized recently is that we first thank Him in the prayer for the blessings and then for the pain... and in the end when we beg to love Him more, we find that it is BOTH, the blessings and the pain that allow us to love Him more. Really, for me, the perfect prayer.

this place isn't so bad...

Hey Little Peanut,

I have been thinking of you so much the past two days. Your grandparents were generous enough to take your brothers to Atlanta and I have had much time to myself... to clean, organize, and get ready for you. I have been praying for you. I have been wondering about you. And I have been overwhelmed with the emotion of joy. I get to bring you home. I get to introduce you to an amazing man, your father. I get to introduce you to the two sweetest brothers you will ever hope or wish for. And lastly, I get to hold you in my arms and tell you that, "Hey, it's me, your mom. I suffered so much for you. And you were so worth it. You're here. And I am here. And I am totally yours because God has called me to this beautiful vocation to give myself to you for love of Him." Someone asked me why I want "these kids" if there is so much suffering involved. I am at a loss of words... any person who knows the love of God would see that the joy far outweighs the tough part. I can not explain the feeling of peace, the intense joy, the excitement that a parent gets thinking about bringing another child into the world. It's an eternal soul... you, my sweet child, will always exist because of the love of our Great God. This place isn't so bad... as much as the media shows us that things are falling apart... I promise you that we will keep you safe and teach you the love of God. Our little domestic church we are building in our home is far from perfect, but we will teach you to pray, we will teach you to love your siblings,  we will have dance parties, we will have fun, we will teach you to laugh, we will eat dinner together, we will celebrate life... and I am so excited to teach you all this. God is good to allow someone else to join us on this roller coaster ride they call life. These boys I live with right now are pretty amazing. You won't be disappointed. We are going to love you a lot. I am so excited. OK, I am almost ready for you. Don't stay in there too much longer. You are getting kinda heavy. I love you.

Love,
Your Mommy

As our family grows...

 Who wouldn't want to wake up to this smiling face every morning? His goal every day is to make me laugh. It is amazing how at this age he knows how to do that. He keeps me on my toes ALL day and makes me laugh ALL day! I adore this little guy. He is so full of joy.

 And then there's my serious, intelligent, and very curious 1st child. This boy has impeccable manners and a heart that is twice the size of his body... the sweetest child I have ever met.

 Gabriel and Anthony on Easter! I must say they were looking pretty handsome.

Gabriel is standing in time out. And yes, that is Anthony standing next to him. Without me knowing it, Anthony went and hung out on the wall with his brother. He is quite faithful to Gabriel. I am sure he thought, well, you are the one in trouble, so I don't mind bringing my toy here... just be happy you have some company. I couldn't stop laughing.

 It's true. They are in the dryer. I was so focused on getting stuff separated and putting it in the washer I didn't even know they had climbed in. They started yelling, "In here!" And then you should have seen the look on Gabriel's face when Anthony figured out how to get the thing spinning. They were like little gerbils in there!

One of my favorite pictures... me and all three of my peeps squished together!

This is what I love about having them so close together. They do everything together. And want to. And love it. It makes me so happy to have given each of them a friend. They play outside together, eat together, watch movies together, build blocks, wrestle... you name it. It is really THE BEST.
(Above: playing in the mud and rain... Gabriel told me, "It's fine, we can get wet. Let's just put our hoodies on." Below: Watching a movie and eating lunch together)

The picture above was something I am so glad I caught. While I cook dinner every night, they sit together and watch one show. (I really hate the TV... but while cooking dinner, it's a must). While I was cooking I looked in to check on them and this is what I found... Anthony just laying on Gabriel's lap. So stinkin' cute. And the funniest part was Gabriel just let him.

Happy Easter from all 5 of us! Our family picture on Easter! This is the man I love. I mean, I really love him. People always ask me, how do you do it? 2 kids and pregnant. Just look at the man in this picture. He works his butt off at work and then comes home and gets to work. He does SO much for me and the boys. He is an amazing man. Truly. Having a growing family is so fun because we are on the same team... working together to raise these boys... and trying love one another as best we can, even as tired as we are.

Above: this is my BIG belly. This is what I look down and see every day. WHOA! HUGE. I know. I am already growing out of clothes that I wore the week I delivered Anthony... and I still have 8 weeks to go. I am pretty uncomfortable. But, hey, temporary pain for an eternal soul, right!? Due June 25th. C'mon, baby!

Above: My 3 precious souls. It cracks me up when the two boys are sitting on my lap and the baby starts kicking them through my belly. They laugh. And I laugh. Pretty soon there will be three of them. It's so crazy to me. I can't imagine life with three, but then again, I can not imagine what my life was like before these two boys arrived. Thank you, Jesus, for such an exciting roller coaster ride of raising our little family that is growing to be so big. We are blessed and so happy. As hard as this is, we have recognized the joy, and can not wait to see what else you have in store for us. As our family grows, we pray that you keep us close to your Sacred Heart.

Sweet Lover of My Soul

I always like to be reminded of the great love of God for me personally. Sometimes it is so evident in my daily life... big hugs from my children, feeling the baby move around in my belly, Patrick's small and BIG acts of love for me (like mopping the floors while I am out), or even just the beautiful Spring flowers and breeze. But, some days, like today, I find it more difficult to find Him when I am worn down, I miss my nap, my boys are crazy and the day was filled with... worrying about a friend who may divorce, no break because of a sleep strike, Gabriel peeing in his pants at the store, spilled drinks on my couch, Anthony trying to climb on the outside of the banister ALL day and about an hour of crying before he would sleep tonight, and this crazy numb spot in my back (that will surely be there until I deliver the baby because of my scoliosis). It was today that I had to search even harder, seek silence in even greater avenues and ask Christ to remind me of His love. I was feeling lonely, impatient, tired, and a little angry.

And He always answers. Most times it is in the silence of prayer or in reading the writings of the saints or scripture. Today I reflected on this beautiful passage. It made me remember God's great mercy, how He has saved me from everything that is ugly about me, and how someone who wrote something so beautiful with such a great love, surely has a great Lover. It is so refreshing to remember our Lover, Our Merciful Redeemer, Our Savior, especially on the days when we need his mercy and peace most. Here is the passage from St. Augustine:

"Late have I loved you, O Beauty so ancient and so new; late have I loved you! For behold you were within me, and I outside; and I sought you outside and in my ugliness fell upon those lovely things that you have made. You were with me and I was not with you. I was kept from you by those things, yet had they not been in you, they would not have been at all. You called and cried to me and broke open my deafness; and you sent forth your beams and shone upon me and chased away my blindness; you breathed fragrance upon me, and I drew in my breath and do now pant for you; I tasted you and now hunger and thirst for you; you touched me and I have burned for your peace."

Alright, I'm gonna do it. The contraceptive world made me. I'm gonna share the joy of NFP.

I was walking around the park the other day with my little hikers, picking up sticks and throwing rocks and here walks up another funny look. This woman keeps gets closer and when she is just close enough, she asks, "Ma'am, is this your beautiful family?" "Yes, ma'am. It is." I answered. "And your are expecting another one. Thank you so much for being open to having multiple children. That is so wonderful. What a beautiful gift you have been given." Under my sunglasses I started crying. (I'm pregnant, remember). I hadn't ever had anyone thank me for being open to these beautiful lives. I responded by saying something like, "We are so blessed to have been given them. We hope to have more." And she walked away with a huge smile, whispering, "Thank you so much."

I remember when I asked my great aunt how my cousin was a few years back when she was expecting #4. My aunt responded in a way I had never expected. She said, "She is just really happy." I knew for sure she was tired and worn down. And I knew for sure after writing to her that she surely struggled with all her little ones, but knew the joy in following God's plan and being open to his gift of life. It really opened my eyes seeing her live her life this way.

Now I am expecting my #3 (plus one in Heaven) and I am experiencing the challenges, but more than anything else, I feel as if I can be a testimony to the joy. I am realizing more and more each day how this life of mine really does not belong to me. I am realizing more and more how it's not about me at all and this is where I am finding joy. The less centered on myself I am, as crazy as it sounds, the more joy and peace I find. It seems that in following the Church teaching on contraception... at least at first, I thought I was just following another rule (because I NEVER break the rules), but 4 pregnancies later, I am realizing that there is more to it.

More than ever I have been thinking about this teaching because of all the craziness the government has thrown around with this moral teaching, which they are pretending to have authority over. It's really not about health care in the end... it's about contraception... evil always attacks the dignity of human life first, because it is most precious. I am realizing more than ever how important it is to stand up for this teaching... and to REALLY LIVE IT. There are too many cafeteria Catholics today picking and choosing what they like and don't like. This is the revelation of our Lord Jesus Christ. It's no joke. We are called to be open to the gift of life. As difficult as it sounds. As out of control as it makes us feel. It is our calling.

Because after surrendering this part of our life to Christ, we become totally dependent on Him. Many people are able to surrender so much, but they hold back on their fertility. We see it in studies... Janet Smith has been clear... contraception leads to "accidents," unwanted pregnancies when it fails, affairs because there are no consequences, and now almost all contraceptives harm women's bodies... leading to blood clots, cervical & breast cancer, and so much more.

I am trying to figure out how to respond lately to the weird looks, the awkward comments and the straight up rudeness I get because I will have 3 who will be 3 and under. I wish I could tell each of them the joy of my children and I wish I could tell each of them the joy of NFP. Let's look at the facts.

First, NFP works. We have conceived when we tried. We have not conceived when we have followed the rules. And we have conceived when we broke the rules. So simple. We learned how to do this from a nurse. It's medically based. It really works.

Second, we have found a freedom in leaving God in charge. It has challenged and increased our virtue of faith... that can't hurt. He is our Lord... so, let's leave him in charge. Do you know how many things have to go right for you to conceive? It's totally crazy. Look it up.

Third, practicing NFP has a less than 1% divorce rate. I'd say I would prefer to stay married. The world has a 50% divorce rate. Who would get on an airplane if they knew there was a 50% of failure? Not me.

Fourth, we have learned to communicate... every month the subject of a new life comes up... because abstinence is part of NFP, so EVERY month we talk about ALL the important things... the list is long, but such a good one... finances, health of both of us, our kids and how they are, the home we live in, Patrick's job, buying a home, etc, etc. It is a great conversation to have each month. It's a trick God has to get us to talk and get us to always be discerning his will. His will for us is every changing. Some people cut off their fertility because they feel in that moment it's not the plan of God for them to have more... but, what if two years later it is? So much can change in just a months time.

Fifth, NFP couples get a honeymoon each month when the abstinence is over... you may say you would like to have your favorite dessert every day, but the truth is, there is more awesomeness when you have to abstain for a time. We are learning this now during Lent. I can not wait to get a hold of some chocolate. YUMMO.

Last, we have learned to respect one another's bodies for what they are. I have to remember that Patrick is always fertile and he know understands and knows more now about a women's body... he claims.. more than most women know about their own bodies. It's pretty amazing how well he can pick up on everything about me just knowing where I am in my cycle... the sensitivity he has at certain times really helps. I also love that he won't allow me to put anything harmful in my body... as I said above, any artificial contraceptive you take has an incredible high health risk... you should read the labels, ladies. And lastly, when we renew our vows... he accepts ALL of me... no part of me (even my fertility) is left on the side. There are no barriers and no regrets. It's pretty awesome.

So, there you have it. I got it all out. I had to write about this because it is all over the news. And like I said before, it's really not about health care... we all know it's just another way that Satan is trying to creep in and destroy the dignity of human life.

I commend those of you who have been doing this for the long haul. Only five years of marriage and 3 kids later... seems easy enough, but I know the challenges are still ahead. But, I also have discovered that I am forever on a crazy roller coaster ride and this journey never gets old. I can already feel it. When they hand me my third little life, I am going to look right into their eyes and say, "Man, this never gets old." That eternal life will be worth every morning of sickness, every dizzy spell, every huge prenantal pill, all the back pain, all the heatburn, all the sleepless nights with cramped legs, all the discomfort of carrying another 20lbs, all the crazy looks, and oh yeah, labor and delivery. The suffering will be just a moment after I look into their little eyes. And every mother says the same.

To end, I will say that being the mother of 2 children and pregnant, I have gained quite a sense of humor... and I have decided to use my humor in the midst of the world and the way they look at me crazy. So, just to humor you, I will tell you my latest response to the comment, "Oh wow, they are SO cute... and you're having another? (weird look)"... "YES, we are having another. We are thrilled. And we have decided that we are just going to keep having them until we get an ugly one!" HAHA. People really have no idea what to say... but, it's really funny to watch their faces. People find so much joy in children.

Dear Jesus, even thought I am such a mess, thank you for your grace. Every moment is a moment of grace as a mother. Every moment is so hard. Thank you for pouring yourself out to me in the Eucharist, so I may better learn to pour myself out to you.