Oh, Rhode Island... the move that moved me...

Above are our family pictures from this past fall. I think I could easily look back at any fall pictures we have had thus far in our marriage and tell you quite a story of that year. Looking at these, I have a heart full and eyes full... of tears. It has been quite a year.

I miss Nashville, my tremendous girlfriends, the couples we love, my godchildren, the close proximity to our families (and the lake) and the warm weather... oh, just more than words would ever be able to express, I miss it all so much. I certainly do not feel as if I am home here, but, the trade off for what I gained when I lost so much is something that I will never regret.

So as to not write for hours tonight ... because I am so sleepy already, I would at least like to sum it up here because I pray I never forget what the first year of Rhode Island did for me, my family and my marriage.

The 15th of January made it a year. I traveled up here 7 months pregnant, to a house we were renting that I had only seen online.... and we jumped in.

Strength. I have to say that I doubted the grace and strength God gave me to pull this off. To move, while pregnant with three kids into the snowy winter of a town where I knew not one soul... now, that was CRAZY. The Lord provided. It was one day at a time. When you look sometimes at the whole picture and you are not there in that moment it seems like so much more... but, you are not there yet and his grace for that moment has not yet reached you... so hang on, it will come.

Being alone. Being alone without friends. Alone without family. Alone without a community. It reminded me of so much. Who is important? Well, friends, family and community. But who is most important? Patrick and my four children. Never before and maybe never again will I have the opportunity to spend SO MUCH TIME alone with 5 of the people I love most in the whole world. It has been a gift... to spend time. So many distractions to keep us busy before. Here we have really seen one another, gotten to know one another and laughed more together than I ever remembered before.

Detachment. I did not yet experience this in the way that I have here. Complete denial and detachment from everything I was comfortable with, everything I started, including a moms group, a retreat, and a school. A new doctor, a new grocery store, new roads, new accents, new community. And really, what it came down to for me, which was so hard, was: in every sense of the phrase, not a soul to impress or make an impression on. It was just me and my little family. On an island. Literally.

My marriage. I have seen as time has passed here how my marriage has gained so much. We have started to really get each other. Not that we hadn't before, but in a different way. It comes with less distractions, but also because with this new job, no outside ministries for me, and a normal routine, we are able to see the needs the other has it a much clearer light. We are no longer living in survival mode, tag teaming constantly, and trying to get more than 5 hours sleep. I have so enjoyed my husband this year. I am so glad to have him home ALL WEEKEND LONG! No more writing a dissertation. Dr. Bentley is home with us in the evenings and weekends!

Simplicity. We have been able to look at so many aspects of our life and work on them. Our spiritual lives. Our diets... our food choices and my cooking, are becoming exceptional. Our toxic environment... we are continuing to purify all areas of our life, now that we have a moment to research it... beauty products, cleaning products, etc. The doctor... we are making it to the doctor, dentist and chiropractor on a very regular basis. Exercise... still a work in progress. Our finances... I finally took them over completely... and for the first time, we have a handle... it is such a relief. Sleep... we are sleeping more. Prayer... it is so tough to find quiet with small children, but we are making time and it's been fruitful to say the least.

Our kids. We have so many things to always be working on with our kids. About to get back into therapy for eating with Gabriel, but have been able to really work on his nutrition through other means (like sneaking food into shakes and sauces, soups), so happy to have had the time. Discipline... a huge work in progress (esp with Adam), but have had some time to read a few pages a day on how to do better at that. We pray to teach them through the way we love one another, so when we talk about kids, we first talk about us. It's really all they need, plus food, sleep, clothing and lots of affection! And since I am at home all day, easy peasy.

I will never forget this moment. I could still cry in an instant if you mentioned one of my friends to me, but interior peace is wrapped around those tears.

When we decided to move, Patrick looked at me and told me that he was just so grateful to have someone who would do something so incredibly hard by his side. That's what its about, right? It has paid off in so many ways already. God has really been there, as we struggled, cried, detached.... boy, did it all hurt super bad. God has provided simplicity, clarity and strengthened our marriage and family. Thank you to St. Joseph, who answered our novena with this job...

Next time, when someone asks you, who and what would you bring to a deserted island... call me, I have some tips.

Grab your marriage. Hold it tight.

I love that my mother in law makes fun of me for always using the word "grab." I never realized how much I used that word, but I do. I use it for everything... and likewise, so do my children.

All of these beautiful faces above are extremely distracting, extremely important, and utterly sanctifying. They are the joys and the challenges of my every day... but many times they pull me away from my marriage.

I am working daily on trying to figure out how to conserve energy at the end of the day for my husband...

I am working daily on trying to contain my sarcastic comments about how he got to drive to and from work in a quiet car alone and got to eat lunch without a child on his lap...

I am working daily on remembering that we have different roles in this venture, mine in the home, his outside the home, each with their very unique struggles, pressures and crosses...

It is tough to not compare, not weigh, not complain, not judge, not hold a grudge.

Again, I ask the Lord, what do you want of me, O, God? How can I do this better? How can I control my sentiments that at times just want to be so selfish with hurtful words and a bitter attitude? How is it that You can soften my heart, Lord? I need more patience. More joy. More openness.

Praying for all of this. Trying to every day actually remember to grab my marriage and hold it so tight, so it doesn't get left behind, get worn out, or get forgotten in the mix. I try to hug him, hold his hand, remember to kiss him, and try to be sincere when I look him in the eyes. Some days it is so very hard after a day that is so very hard. Praying for the grace to love better the man I love so incredibly much.

Not alone

I believe so much in the Mystical Body of Christ. It is so real. At any moment I can be with each one of you when I am in prayer. The Holy Spirit connects us through this spiritual way... and this is especially true during the Mass when we receive Holy Communion.

I am so happy to see you there and be with you, dear moms and

my family who is far away... and especially you who I love so much in Nashville. Thank you for your prayers, your fidelity, your humility in your vocation. Because of you, I never feel alone, even if at times I am lonely in this job.

Keep up the good work. So many days this can be so very difficult. Embrace it with so much joy. We can not change the world without joy. And when I think of you, when I make a spiritual communion, I am able to grasp joy... because there all of you are standing beside me... carrying on as best you can...

Some of my favorites...

These sweetums

I'm realizing more and more that our children are here to sanctify us... in our marriage and as individuals. I am being stretched and stretched and my children are allowing me to look inside myself and see where I am so far from perfection.

There are some days when I think that "all these kids" are just too much, but they are not at all. They are just enough... just enough to show me how to be holy. They are my constant sanctification and without each one, I would not be made pure in the very specific way each one provides. One pulls on my patience, while the other pushes me to order and simplicity, while another slows me down, and another draws me out to be creative.

I am every day the chef, the accountant, the home decorator, the cleaning lady, the manicurist, the tailor, the laundry mat, the comedian, the disciplinarian, the center of gravity and heart of the home, the organizer, the secretary, the gift buyer, the birthday caller, the prayer, the hostess, the pick up lady, the nurser, the shopper, the clothing sorter, and most importantly, the wife.

I am growing here in Rhode Island. As much as I resisted. I am really growing. I am able to look deeper since everything but my home life was taken from me. The gracious and loving Father who knows me so much was well intentioned. He knew I could continue to strive for holiness in a better way here. Being busy is very distracting to finding God. So, I am here now... coming up on a year... and I feel as if I am beginning to find the Lord again.

These guys... and the one little lady...

This pictures was almost a year ago. Last fall. On a farm in Franklin. It was a beautiful day. A good day to commemorate our time in Nashville and it coming to a close.

I love these boys so much. They have given me the greatest and hardest days.

Gabriel has just begun kindergarten. I wish I could get into that little brain of his and watch the transformation that has taken place in just a matter of weeks with him. He has become his own man. He is being challenged for the first time in so long. He comes home with his head held higher and a new found love of so many things. He walks in the door to get right to work on some "project" and to make sure he uses his time with his brothers well, now that it has been limited. He has been talking about various things, but the ones that stand out most: Maggie, the girl at school with the golden hair, Lego time at school, recess, books he's read with his class, his Spanish, music, PE, art and technology class, and he is constantly speaking of how many syllables are in words I say... it's always random, but makes me laugh. He leaves in the morning with his dad, backpack in hand, and something to draw on and a bag of crayons... always the doer. He impresses me every day. He is so responsible, so loving, very intuitive of others moods and needs and so incredibly social. It blows my mind. His courage to reach out to people trumps mine on every occasion. He teaches me so much. Boy, do I miss him since he has been gone. I really did think I would've homeschooled... but, for this year, he is there... and it is so good... for all of us.

Anthony has really stepped it up. His language, his sense of self, his ability to lead. He did not take it lightly when I sat him down and told him he was now the oldest brother when Gabriel was at school. It was so excited. And continues to tell me that he doesn't miss Gabriel while he is at school "at all."
Anthony is such a gentle little guy, but such a LOUD dude at the same time. I have to work on volume with him. He has really begun to lead Adam... and Adam doesn't seem to be getting to him as much these days... although Adam still loves to cause drama and Anthony is certainly my MOST dramatic child. Ant is truly the lover of our family. Best hugger ever. The ladies will be calling in no time.

ADAM. OH, ADAM. I really do love him. Sometimes I just don't like him. Ha. He has stretched me more than any child, actually, more that any person in my life. He is the most stubborn, strong willed, independent, yet clingy, mommy and daddy loving kid. One minutes he's yelling, "HOLD ME" and the very next he is yelling, "I DO IT MYSELF." Oh, you just never know what will happen with this unpredictable little peanut. He will move and climb mountains one day. Many. He's SO hilarious. I love him to pieces but he is such a challenge. I wonder what happens in his head. He cracks jokes, makes me angry, annoys his brothers, pokes his sister and hates to sleep. His words are evolving and I just love them. He starts every word with "UH" and always addresses the person he is speaking with. Its hilarious.

Not only do I love these boys, but I know also have a little girl. She is very laid back so far, although it is quite clear that she has an attitude. She is super cuddly and I would venture to guess she will be like Gabriel and be on the move very soon. At 5 months old, she just weighed in at 16 lbs, 14 oz at her last visit and has the BEST chunky thighs you will ever see. She has been giggling since I can remember and she LOVES to play close by to her brothers. It's been about 2 weeks now that she has been grabbing everything and anything she can get to. She has been incredibly fun to dress up, but I know that not before long, she will certainly be pulling all of those bows out of her hair. Evelyn is, as Adam calls her, our "PIN CESS." But, stand back, boys, I know she will hold her own.

Motherhood has been very hard for me lately. I have been struggling to get up in the morning with a smile on my face. I am realizing the terrible consequences of birth control... no one has kids anyone... and not that many if they do... and it is terribly isolating when you do have children and you take a go at this alone. Being open to life has been a struggle for me lately... it has challenged my inmost selfish tendencies. This has pushed me and pulled me to continue to trust God and allow him the control. Praying for more patience, more confidence in God, and much more charity... in my words, and also my thoughts and actions.

Sometimes...

I just want to sit with him face to face and ask, "What do you want of me, Lord?" and I want Him to answer back, in clear words, with a gentle look, and with a clear goal. I want to hear the words. I need some contact.

I feel these days as if I am drowning... in kids, in laundry, in dishes, in financial decisions. Its constant. There is not a moment for myself. So, I wonder if he is asking for me to become less... less important, less achieved, less of everything...

He became a slave for us. Many days, I say to Patrick... "I'm just a slave, a lowly worker." Maybe that is all I am being asked. So, now to achieve it with great love. That is the part I'm struggling so much with. Then I would be more like him.

Help me, Lord. I need patience as you continue to ask humility of me.

A note on spiritual reading...

I keep these books everywhere... it helps to have them where you nurse, where you sit to watch your kids play outside, near your bed, EVERYWHERE... then, you can read a page here and there and never have an excuse to not get it in.