Friday, January 31, 2014

Remembering my marriage

When all the outside noise is stripped away, I am reminded of my marriage. Even though we generally fall asleep in conversation at night because we are both so wiped out... it is refreshing in a sense to be wiped out together.

Although I am sure this move is one of the many struggles we will bear together, I am discovering a bit of newness in us. We stayed up till midnight the other night just talking. We actually did not fall asleep. I had no work to do for a retreat or emails to answer for the school. We had managed to actually finish dishes before 10pm and we just sat and talked. I was reminded of the blessing of my marriage. I pray I always remember it. The gift that God granted us in one another... and that we will journey together till the end... in lots of good times and lots of bad. We have to hang on to those good... those sweet times, so we can make it through the tough ones. It was amazing how such a great time the night before really got me through my next day, as terrible as it was.

If nothing else makes sense right now, Patrick does. He is there every day, encouraging me, folding laundry, doing dishes, loving on our boys, having sincere conversation with each of us. He tries so hard to be so good and do his "duty" as a husband and father. We all need a rock. Of course, the Lord is always my rock, but He also provided me with Patrick... so I'll take him as my rock too. I am grateful for a new season we have now to discover one another in a different light... new home, new town, new baby... and more time (if you can imagine 4 kids giving you more time).

Grateful today for my groom.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

A big change, but I am sure with lots of graces

Are we settled? Of course not. But, we have a working kitchen and the boys' room is good to go... for now, it's letting us get by. Beds to sleep in and a place to cook seems to be the survival needs of a family with 3 small children (and a hungry pregnant mommy!)

It has been a really tough few months for sure. The toughest I have ever had actually. Between being pregnant, saying good-bye and all the physical demands of packing and unpacking a home has been... well, quite demanding to say the least. I finally realized I was low on iron, which has helped a ton, but I am still exhausted. I think I will be... for at least the next 6 months. We have a new baby coming too.

Two days ago at Mass, I so appreciated the consolation Christ gave me in the homily. The priest began something like this... "What if you were able to pick up and leave everything behind? A new beginning. No one would know you, you wouldn't have the demands you use to have, you would have a clean slate. It would be just you and God. How would you feel? How would you handle it? Wouldn't it be such a grace? To leave everything behind and let Him mold you even further into who you were suppose to be?" A coincidence. I think not. As the last lonely week went by, I continued to wonder why I am here in such a small town, a small state, with no friends, and for the most part... with nothing. He tugged at my heart for the past few days as I have reflected on these words....

For the homily, the words led him to speak of the apostles leaving everything to follow Jesus... their livelihood, their families, everything that was normal to them... it was all to follow Jesus. It was to fulfill in such a deeper way the vocation they were being called to. So, this is where I find myself. Much of me could be dramatic and look at this move has a loss, a huge tragedy. Then I am reminded of my eternal goals... to fulfill my vocation, as wife first and then mother. I had lost track of them in Nashville. I was strung out and pulled thin by everything and everyone, all which were good, but all which were less important.

Already in the large amounts of silence and less distraction I have seen my family like I have not before. I have a ways to go with this, so I will share more later in that area. It has only been a week. But, I can already tell the attentiveness that was needed that I did not provide... to my husband and my children.

Please pray for me. I am feeling extra lonely. It has occurred to me that the phrase "Never alone, but very lonely" can fit well for a stay at home mom. I need prayers for trusting in God's continued work in me... to always be growing better and to be aware of this journey as a gift.