Wednesday, June 22, 2011


I was reminded today of the love of God for me. I am His beloved. He sacrificed himself for me. This is where I have found peace today... in being his beloved. In being loved. And the amazing thing is that all He asks of me in return is love. "What greater joy than to suffer for love?" a saint once asked. I am reminded today that He asks for our lives to be an offering of love to Him. This is in return for Him pouring Himself out to us to that "even the worst crime we have committed would be like a drop of water thrown into a roaring furnace." That is His love. Speak with Him. And get to know this love. He said once to a holy soul, "Not one soul will reach hell without first tearing himself out of my arms." The love of God for us is intense, passionate, jealous, and true. Find Him in His mercy. Find Him in Confession, where nothing is too big for His love to forgive. Place your complete confidence in His undying affection for you. He will not disappoint. Pray to Him and ask Him what you need in such a way that you believe it has already been done. Seek Him. And find His love. And your life will be an adventure. Where do we place our trust? In our job? In our material possessions? In our reputation? In the car we drive? In the friends we have? In our degree? Throw yourself into your vocation... where you will suffer for the sake of love and there He will be to carry you and to love you. This is where you will find your joy. Be loved by God and accept His mercy. He could find no greater way to tell us that he loved us, so He died for us. How shall we bow down with a grateful heart to thank Him? He wants us to accept His love and His mercy and to place all of our confidence and trust in Him alone. I think of how much I love my children and then I remember that He loves me more. Be loved today. Allow Him to find you in your weakness and love you. And there you will find your joy.

Sunday, June 5, 2011


As we grow older the evidence of suffering in the world becomes more and more real. I loved being in the bubble of young age, where I heard over dinner that a friend of my parents' from high school had passed away or someone was sick with cancer. It barely affected me, although I prayed for these people in my night prayers. The affect of sin and suffering becomes more and more real with age. You are more engrossed of the day to day tragedies, sickness and sadness of close friends, family and neighbors. Lately, I have been praying a lot.

About a month ago my neighbor, Robin, lost her husband, Steve in an unexpected illness. I do not know all the details because it is still too early to ask detailed questions, but after rushing him to the hospital with some bad leg pain, he died two days later. He left a son, Charlie, 9 months old behind to be raised by Robin all alone. My heart was torn to pieces and I sat at the funeral and listened to hid friends speak of the tragedy that had occurred. I spent yesterday at the pool with Robin and Steve's parents because we just happened to be there at the same time. My heart grew in a great appreciation that my husband is here, is supportive, is healthy and able to be with me. I tried to speak with them without crying and grew in strength by watching theirs. Please pray for my friend, Robin, her son, Charlie and Steve's parents.

One of my best friends in the whole world, Lauren Marie Love, just arrived home from Spain for a short time to be with her mom. Her mom has survived cancer once before and now it's back. I just spoke with Love and she is sitting in the hospital with her mom waiting some more results from one of the many tests run. Her mom is undergoing radiation and chemotherapy right now and fighting this cancer with a faith I am not sure I have seen among any one else who has suffered like this. She has a deep and enduring love for Christ through her suffering and it brings light into many lives by watching her steadiness through all of this. Please pray for Love's mom, Doris, that she be healed from this and that her family would be given the strength they need at this time while they watch her suffer.

Lastly, I have a close friend considering divorce. My heart has been carrying a deep sadness for the young children that may suffer this. It has been found that children who suffer a divorce experience more psychological problems, depression and insecurities than children who have a parent who dies. Children are more likely to become sick, have grades drop, and grow in aggression towards family and friends. Divorce is only lawful... what God joins no man can separate. I ache for these young kids. I have been up countless nights praying and thinking... and angry and so incredibly sad for these kids who will have a lifetime to suffer. Divorce never goes away. Once they are married, they will have to spend time with three separate families for holidays. They will have to split time with grandkids, take sides, and watch as the one example they had to teach them to love falls apart. The list goes on and the real effects are something we will never know... we do know they are extreme and grave. Please pray for this family.

God's grace and plan is bigger than ours. We have to remember this. He can take any evil and create good. We rely and trust in Him through it all.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

"Stay at Home Mom" At Last

I am so tired. More tired than I was after staying up all night to write one of my million essays or papers in my college years. More tired than I was after an 8 month long preparation for a dance concert... dancing every night for 4-5 hours, 6 days a week. More tired than I was after the emotional stress of moving to a new city away from family, starting a new job, getting married, and having no friends there... And definitely more tired than teaching in a classroom where 5 special needs students were placed without my knowledge and then trying to teach them along with the other 15 gifted kids and being totally not trained to do so. All of those things almost killed me, but nothing has been as exhausting as being a mother. It has been true self giving all the time. And now, it's here to stay.

I am tired. But, Gabriel, I am so filled with joy that today I got to run up the stairs to find you once again with pee all over you after a night's long sleep and a big smile on your face. And that while I rushed around to get ready this morning, I am so happy that you sat on the couch and yelled to me, "I love you forever" as I ran by and you watched Toy Story for the thousandth time. Anthony, I am so tired, but so happy that you decided to grow teeth this week and I get to watch them come in. I am glad you didn't take a long nap, so I could give you tylonel and rock you back to sleep while you slowly closed your eyes and smiled at me. Boys, I am so glad for the time we spent yesterday outside, swinging and running through the sprinkler. Soon enough you will not want me to rock you anymore or play with you anymore... for now, I am yours, totus tuus. Thank you for letting me read to both of you today and feed both of you today and dress both of you, and change at least 2 poops each already(!).... and through it allowing me to become more selfless... the plan I make each night before I go to bed never seems to happen because of your beautiful smiling faces! Thank you for teaching me to be flexible and to never get to have things just so, as I want them. I am so tired, but I am so blessed. Being at home for me is so much harder than any day at work. It's the constant needing of me. It's the constant call for me to seek virtue, because if I don't, then you won't know how. It's the constant reminder of Christ's pouring out for me. I hope and pray I am becoming more like him and less like me, in all my pride and impatience and stubborness and procrastination. I am learning more than ever how to use my time wisely, how to be joyful in moments that I just don't want to, and how to be patient when I am holding a 20 lb chubby guy and Gabriel wants to walk up the steps "by myself." My muscles are larger and my heart is bigger. God, you sure know what you are doing. So, cheers, to being at home... at last... with the boys I love. I am reminded now of everything I was missing and wouldn't trade it for anything. My sweet sanctification is finally full time!