Wednesday, June 1, 2011

"Stay at Home Mom" At Last

I am so tired. More tired than I was after staying up all night to write one of my million essays or papers in my college years. More tired than I was after an 8 month long preparation for a dance concert... dancing every night for 4-5 hours, 6 days a week. More tired than I was after the emotional stress of moving to a new city away from family, starting a new job, getting married, and having no friends there... And definitely more tired than teaching in a classroom where 5 special needs students were placed without my knowledge and then trying to teach them along with the other 15 gifted kids and being totally not trained to do so. All of those things almost killed me, but nothing has been as exhausting as being a mother. It has been true self giving all the time. And now, it's here to stay.

I am tired. But, Gabriel, I am so filled with joy that today I got to run up the stairs to find you once again with pee all over you after a night's long sleep and a big smile on your face. And that while I rushed around to get ready this morning, I am so happy that you sat on the couch and yelled to me, "I love you forever" as I ran by and you watched Toy Story for the thousandth time. Anthony, I am so tired, but so happy that you decided to grow teeth this week and I get to watch them come in. I am glad you didn't take a long nap, so I could give you tylonel and rock you back to sleep while you slowly closed your eyes and smiled at me. Boys, I am so glad for the time we spent yesterday outside, swinging and running through the sprinkler. Soon enough you will not want me to rock you anymore or play with you anymore... for now, I am yours, totus tuus. Thank you for letting me read to both of you today and feed both of you today and dress both of you, and change at least 2 poops each already(!).... and through it allowing me to become more selfless... the plan I make each night before I go to bed never seems to happen because of your beautiful smiling faces! Thank you for teaching me to be flexible and to never get to have things just so, as I want them. I am so tired, but I am so blessed. Being at home for me is so much harder than any day at work. It's the constant needing of me. It's the constant call for me to seek virtue, because if I don't, then you won't know how. It's the constant reminder of Christ's pouring out for me. I hope and pray I am becoming more like him and less like me, in all my pride and impatience and stubborness and procrastination. I am learning more than ever how to use my time wisely, how to be joyful in moments that I just don't want to, and how to be patient when I am holding a 20 lb chubby guy and Gabriel wants to walk up the steps "by myself." My muscles are larger and my heart is bigger. God, you sure know what you are doing. So, cheers, to being at home... at last... with the boys I love. I am reminded now of everything I was missing and wouldn't trade it for anything. My sweet sanctification is finally full time!

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