Sweet Detachment

This evening I watched my sweet two door honda civic with spoiler and sunroof drive away for the last time. We sold it. Ahh, the sweetness in letting go and ahh, the sweetness in being filled up. When my dad bought me that car I was a college sophomore and after many weeks of him asking me if I really wanted a 4 door Ford Focus, my mom convinced him that the 2 door civic was way cooler. Besides, who needs 4 doors, when it's just me climbing in and out?!

I am now no longer alone. Thanks to my Jesus. He has gifted me with an amazing husband and two incredible baby boys. So now, 4 doors would be more suitable. This only means that my life is more full. I reflected tonight as it drove away because it really was another sign of my detachment as mother. It's amazing how that totally amazing car that I adored just didn't add up anymore when I turned around and saw my two smiling boys.

Jesus, thank you for continuing to take away, so I may have more room in my heart to love people and not things. This happens so often. The car is just a tiny example of how he strips us of our worldliness and carries us closer to the heart of our vocation. It was my awesome job, it was my flat belly, it was my freedom to travel without hauling carseats, it was feeding myself before anyone else... it was my 2 door sweet ride... all for you, Jesus. Make my heart bigger, so I can love bigger.

And Daisy, my Honda, it's been real.

The Genius of Women

Last week I was invited to speak at an event sponsored by Vanderbilt Catholic called "The Genius of Women" in honor of the beautiful letter written by John Paul II. I spoke to a secular audience and was asked to reflect on motherhood and fertility through the lens of my miscarriage, hence, a pro-life approach but without mentioning much about my faith life and I only had 3 minutes to do it... The talk took me days to write with such restrictions.... I thought I would share...

It was June 27th, 2008. I had passed out in my OB’s office due to the intense pain I was experiencing and I was rushed to the hospital for some pain killers to help me physically cope. Once I was aware enough, they rolled me into the ultrasound room. Although technically she couldn’t officially say, I bribed the ultrasound tech with my teary eyes and after a while she confirmed for me that there was indeed no heartbeat found on her screen. The sorrow in that moment was pretty overwhelming. I knew something was terribly wrong, but to hear it was heartbreaking. After all, like any other mother who was 7 weeks pregnant I had already imagined his face, what I would teach him, the kisses I would cover his cheeks with and who he would grow to be. It was a sorrow that I will carry with me forever. Being pregnant I started to learn to love as a mother. After losing my physical motherhood I realized that my ability and responsibility to love as a mother doesn’t just extend to my children but to everyone I encounter. As a woman I was given special gifts. I still had a dignity and value to the world.

I realized that the unique gifts I had been given could still bring a great vibrancy and life to those around me. I could bear fruit in my relationships with friends, co-workers, my students, my husband and my family. I was created with a heart to give and a heart to love. I was able to listen intently to a friend who was suffering. I was easily able to offer affection to those who needed a good squeeze on any given day. I was able to be attentive to details that others may overlook. I could be consoling without being asked to. I could cook a meal for someone who was sick. I could fix things that others didn’t know were broken. My motherhood was a gift to others. I was designed this way and it filled me up. As a women I realized this beautiful tendency to love was not out of duty but desire.

I eventually was given the unique opportunity to bear fruit physically. I cannot tell you the feeling I had the first time I felt Gabriel kick in my belly. I must have laid there for hours waiting for the next movement. There was a person inside me. What an honor and privilege! Over the next months I got to imagine how he was growing while watching my belly stretch so big. I don’t think a day went by when I didn’t look in the mirror and say to myself “Is this seriously my body?” I could eventually tell where his little feet were and were his butt was when he stretched inside. It was truly the most amazing experience of my life. I have now been fortunate enough to experience this two times. I have since had one more little boy, Anthony, who is not so little. He is my chunky kid and Gabriel is my little peanut. These boys have given me a bigger purpose in my life.

You see I didn’t wait till I had the big house or the picket fence, a steady job or income at that. My children have not been a check on my list, but more life in my life. With them I have come to realize the power in my hands. I have them in my grasp from the moment they take their first breath until the moment they walk out the door… and even then… I am still their mother. No matter where they go, no matter where you go… we all have a mother. They are esteemed and honored because they gave us life. Have you ever heard the phrase, “Don’t you talk about my mama?” It says it all. Mothers are respected in all circumstances.

As a home engineer I feel I have one of the most important jobs in the world. I wouldn’t trade it for any position or any cost. There lies a nobility in what I do. Yes, I do laundry and cook and clean, but that’s on the side. Leaving the job as a big CEO behind leaves me to influence people in a bigger way as a mother. I am the main source of forming my children to be citizens of this world. Motherhood is outsourced today and I can see why… this is the most I have ever sacrificed and struggled in my life, but it’s worth every penny. I helped with Gabriel’s first steps, I have read to him countless hours to help form a proper vocabulary, I have worked day after day to form manners and good habits, I have had to let him cry it out through the night so he could learn to get a good night’s sleep, I have tried to get him to eat well, and I am working on his kindness, compassion, responsibility, self-control, and most importantly I am trying to teach him how to love… which is only achieved by him watching my life and how I love. This is the responsibility on a mother’s shoulders… feel the pressure, ladies? You should.

You think they are not watching you, but they are… your every move. I was cooking dinner the other night and heard Gabriel in the living room talking. Anthony was kicking around on his play mat and Gabriel was sitting next him repeating the very words I speak to Anthony every day, “Hey little buddy. Howya doin’. Hey buddy. So cute.” One other instance was the other day while we met a little boy at the Children's Hospital. We were watching the train after Mass there and met a friend. When we went to leave I asked Gabriel to tell him bye. Gabriel looked up at me and said, "Hug, mommy." OK, go ahead, be sweet and give him a hug. And then before I could get to him he yelled, "KISS TOO" and planted a big wet kiss right on that stranger's mouth. Yuck. But, all my hard work in getting him to welcome people and say good-bye properly surely paid off. So sweet.

Just as I have discovered, you too have a great dignity and great responsibility to use your gifts to bring life and love to the world. So, bear fruit, ladies. The world needs you.

My sweet boys...

 Both boys on Christmas day in Rome, Italy. Anthony is wearing the same pj's Gabriel wore last year! He is such a little fatty... love it.

 This is the typical day... Anthony just sits around smiling while Gabriel acts like a goofball.

 Some shots of the boys at our photo shoot... will post more later!

Our visit to Santa Christmas 2010. Gotta love it. We waited in line for over an hour, while Gabriel waited so patiently and Anthony slept. We got up there and when Gabriel started screaming and it scared Anthony, so he started screaming too! It was awesome... and so memorable.

My Beloved

We always say that we love attending weddings because of its reminder of what we have as husband and wife. It's easy... so very easy... to forget in this crazy life. We were blessed again tonight to attend a wedding of sweet friends of ours, Erica and Charles. Oh, the purity of the wedding was as white as snow. Weddings are so different when the souls are in a state of grace and well prepared. It's so beautiful and we always feel honored to receive such an invitation. Tonight we heard our reminder throughout the homily while Fr. Baker spoke about another homily he heard during the Dominican sisters 1st profession this summer. He said the priest looked at them and said, "This is not about you at all... it's about our Lord Jesus and what he is accomplishing through you." So true. This crazy life, this amazing vocation, this marriage is about Christ. Fr. Baker said he is reminded at every wedding of Christ's love for the Church when he sees the love of the groom and bride for one another. He reminded us that marriage is not only about loving, but as Jesus calls us his "beloved" we are reminded to "BE LOVED." Part of every love story includes the reception of love. We must receive it. I think so often we are confused and think that our calling to Christian discipleship means we must love and love and love, but we must also allow God to love us. It was a perfect reflection tonight for me... to think about how God has loved me... to remember how I am loved. If we could spend time every day BEING loved and truly take on the name of his beloved, how changed we would be. What a sweet name to be called. So, be loved.

waiting on our Lover

As this new Church year begins with my favorite season, Advent, I have reflected some on what all this means. Advent meaning "coming," we discover that we are patiently waiting. For the promise to be fulfilled. Our Lord never disappoints. He promised and He keeps his word. Come, Lord Jesus. He will come on Christmas day. What does all this mean? I have had the honor of being graced with 2 small souls who have won my heart from the minute I knew they existed. I never imagined I could love anyone is such a way, but I do and because of the grace of these lives I now understand more than ever the love of our Almighty God: the joy He finds in us, the goodness He finds in us despite our weakness, the desire for us to be with Him, His great jealousy, and His ever faithful merciful love which concludes with giving His life for us. It all began with his day of birth; the day Mary said, "Yes, Lord" and Our Heavenly Father freely gave us His son. How incredible! How undeserving we are! So, we wait for him now. We prepare the way for Him to enter into the manger. We try to love more fully. We try to have a spirit of not complaining and not thinking of ourselves. We try to remember the intensity of God's love for us. It is a passion we can not comprehend. How can anyone be unsatisfied reflecting on the passionate love of Christ for us? We are loved. He came as a tiny baby on a cold winter night in the midst of smelly animals in the stable. He came from the most humblest of beginnings. We are humbled and grateful. How and why do we not love you more, Lord? Thank you for this Advent. Give us hearts of great joyful anticipation as we await you. Let us never fear anything because we have you, the sweet Love of our lives. Come, Lord Jesus.

Happy Halloween, you crazy monkey

The Bentley family... the mom, the monkey, the banana,
and we are not quite sure what Patrick dressed up as...

Gabriel and one of his very best friends, Ania. He just loves her. But, we have taught him well... he won't touch her!! Love that little chubby ladybug.

Gabriel drove us all around last night! He was so good. Loved the peoples' homes who had dogs more than the ones who had candy. I asked him to say trick or treat at one house and he responded with "ruff, ruff." And Patrick loved the homes who had beer... yea, they were giving out beer with their candy!

One of our first stops... nice butt.

My three boys... so cute... and so stinkin' scary weird. It was a work of art of Caleb. Patrick allowed him to paint however he wanted on his blank canvas!

Anthony has arrived!

On September 21st Dr. Barrett told me that I was still measuring too small and that I needed another ultrasound... after confirming that my fluid was fine and the baby was fine, she proceeded to tell me that he could be up to 8 lbs because of the size of his head. She suggested the option of inducing because after trying for 1.5 hours to get Gabriel (my 5 lb baby) out, she didn't think I would have the hips to get Anthony through. If I waited any longer it could mean a c-section. So, we opted for the induction because I was already 4 cm and 80%. Two days later on September 23rd I found myself sitting in the passenger's seat of our trailblazer at 5:30am in the morning on our way to Baptist Hospital. I was already hungry and looking forward to the few popsicles they would offer me when I arrived! At 6:50am we were registered, I was in my totally stylish hospital gown, they had failed had one IV and had finally placed a second IV in my right hand and Dr. Barrett arrived to break my water....

Water broken at 6:55am... and so we waited... for two whole hours. Patrick put it the DVD to Friends Season 3 and we sat and laughed while I attempted to feel any pain at all. Still no contractions. After 2 hours Dr. Barrett ordered some pitocin since I was already 5 cm. Soon after the contractions began. They weren't even close to the ones I had with Gabriel. They were about 6-7 minutes apart and only lasted for about a minute (with Gabriel I was in horrible pain every 2-3 minutes and the contractions were over 2 minutes long). I kept thinking to myself, this is such a breeze. And it remained that way. By the time I was 7 or so cm I knew I couldn't wait much longer if I wanted to opt for the epidural, so I called in the BIG honkin' needle and they numbed me up. My left leg was much more numb this time, but still the perfect epidural because I knew when every contraction came. This was about noonish. And at this time, the Bentley's arrived and my dad and brother showed up. It was nice to see them for a while to pass the time. It took me another 3 hours to get to 10cm, so by 3pm, I was ready to go.

I told Patrick, "OK, tell the nurse that I am holding him in." He went to get her twice and by the third time, I was about to start pushing on my own. She finally came in and said, "Alright, let me check you out." 10 cm I was and ready to push. Oh no, there wasn't even an instrument table. She called again for one and Dr. Barrett arrived about 4 minutes later. Let's start pushing. So, anyone else would think that this was going to take forever. My first baby got stuck and he was only 5 lbs and this one was predicted to be 8. I was ready for anything. I started pushing and in 9 minutes, which is a total of 3 rounds of pushing, he was out. No complications, no nothing. Perfect delivery. And in 9 minutes.

That day the nurses at Baptist Hospital called me a rock star and in my own little heart I will always recall Anthony's birth as the day I was a rock star! I don't know if I have seriously ever been so proud of myself. I also have to give a shout out to St. Gerard. We have had his statue present in our home for about 4-5 weeks now thanks to the Legion of Mary in Nashville and he has truly been intercessing for us to have a safe, quick and healthy birth. We also thank Mary Our blessed Mother for her prayers that we asked for in the morning before our contractions began. Love her!

So now it's the adjustment... of being a mother of two, of sharing my time, of loving both, of still being a good wife, cook, housekeeper and working my part time job when this 6 weeks are up. It is always by the grace of God that we accomplish that which we think there is not enough time for and that we do it with peace and selflessness. Thank you, sweet Jesus, for this third gift of life you have given to me and to Patrick. The amazement and the joy is again something I could never express with words.