Wednesday, January 23, 2013
Even as the mess I am
I looked at myself today. Not real glamorous today. Puke down my shirt. And on my socks. It was projectile. My hair never did get done. I wore the same pants I wore yesterday. My lip gloss was lost somewhere between me and the bathroom. I managed to get Gabriel to school, go to the chiropractor with 2, feed everyone lunch, and myself, but while holding a baby. And then I attempted to live through a sleep strike. Naps are my saving grace. It is the time I pray, I sleep, I straighten up, I sit quietly, and I prepare dinner. Instead Anthony coughed and I had tissues coming out of my ears for his little nose. Adam decided to be awake and grumpy... so they both twisted and turned on me for about an hour before I put both of them in the car and drove around, hoping for a moment where I wasn't needed. Not so glamorous. I barely made it out the door without crying, my shoes were untied, Anthony didn't have shoes and Adam was screaming. I managed to drive long enough to get them both sleeping... Anthony only lasted 15 minutes and then screamed real loud, "WAKE UP, BABY!" The baby cried and cried. I had to stop and get both of them out to comfort. Then we picked up Gabriel. I was hoping I got out to get him and didn't trip over my shoe laces. I didn't. But the teacher totally noticed all the snot ALL OVER my shirt and some on my own face from the two crying ones. Gabriel got in the car and stirred up Anthony. They fought over a snack and then tried to get one another from car seats the whole way home. Anthony refused to nap when we got back home and so did Adam... so quick break... go ahead outside before we run errands. Rocking Adam and trying to find something to eat... ohh, here they come. They are both drenched, soaking wet. Really? And now I am wet. It took me 20 minutes to strip them down, dry them off, find new clothes (thankfully I didn't have to pull any out of the dirty laundry pile... cause it's super high.. like up to my knees). Then I dressed them, but had to let Adam scream cause he was so tired, but not wanted to sleep. Then to load the car for errands. I couldn't stay home. While gathering what we needed, Anthony decided to attack Adam in the carseat, so I put him in time out... two kids screaming again. I went into the bathroom to take a deep breath. Back to the crying babies. An apology. Load the car, Anthony falls asleep. Adam falls asleep. I arrive. Errands or go back home? That is the question. Gabriel yells, "Wake up, we are here!" Everyone crying again. Yikers. Could anything else go wrong? We made it there and back home. Cooked dinner, wiped bottoms, fed them dinner, then Adam puked all over me (cause I had this great idea to try to get him to eat some broccoli that I cooked and was real mushy for him). Gross. More puke all over me. I'm not giving in though. I am keeping this shirt on... it's not likely I will find a clean one anyway! So, baths. Gabriel insisted on a shower, Anthony tried to lay on Adam in the tub and Adam screamed after his bath the whole time I bathed the others. While I rocked Adam to sleep, Gabriel and Anthony fought in the kitchen over peanut butter crackers (even though they just ate dinner) and then when I laid Adam down he freaked out and I had to rock him for another 10 minutes while Gabriel and Anthony fought over whether they would watch The Lorax or Power Rangers. I was trying to whisper and resolve it, but I had to choose... Adam sleeping or help the cause. I am trying to get them to work things out on their own anyway. So, got Adam to sleep. And we finally made it upstairs to their bedroom, but not before spitting toothepaste all over, spilling milk on the floor and arguing over a pillow. Then to prayers. Such a sweet, quiet time. After we read the book and Anthony spoke the whole way through it like always. This is a normal day, normal kids. Nothing malicious, nothing too terrible.. just normal stuff that all put together is really hard.
Praying tonight they asked a lot of questions about Heaven ... and made me remember what this is all about. It's not about being glamorous. I sometimes try to make it that way. I hope for perfect days where no one argues, no one pukes, and no one has a stinky diaper. I hope for a free moment, actually I hope for a whole hour, but it's not always going to happen. So, to you mommies out there trying to get by, you are not alone. I wrote out my day so I could prove it to you. This is not a glamorous job. It's actually what I would claim to be one of the most difficult. I spoke with a great mom friend of mine today, she reminded me yet again how I need to lower my expectations of myself, stay at home more, and know that some days it's OK to let them watch a movie so I can have quiet time... especially on a day of sleep striking. So, I will try better tomorrow to give things more balance, less drama, and more fun.
When I tucked them in tonight, I realized how much they love me anyway... even as the mess I am. Not once today did they say what I was thinking they should've said. They didn't tell me I was having a fat day, or that my hair wasn't just right or that my soup needed a little more salt. They didn't even hesitate to forgive me when I said sorry for raising my voice. They still wanted a million kisses, they still laughed at my corny jokes and they still fought over who jumped on my lap first for their bed time book. It is so nice to be loved by such pure hearts even as the mess I am.