It just so happens that when you ask the good Lord for something, He gives it to you... I feel like in the moments of my day where I do have time to pray, I am always asking him with a sincere heart to take my life and do whatever He wants with it. I use to be somewhat of a control freak, very anxious, wanting everything perfect and very impatient about it. It's still in there. But He has a way of sanctifying all that we are, especially when we ask. He strips us of everything to fill us up with holiness and self sacrifice to make us more like Him.
love the homily Fr. Steve gave last week at Mass. He was speaking of
rituals young boys have gone through throughout history to be initiated
as a man. There was 4 common goals in these rituals and he compared them
to the Christian life. (Because, yes, being a real man and a Christian
are certainly two high standards that have much in common). He listed
them as such: 1) Life is hard 2) You will die 3)You are not as
important as you think you are 4) Your life is not about you
was all very inspiring. And a great reminder to me of what the
Christian path looks like. It's not about me. It's a total self giving,
self sacrificial life. One point I have been reflecting on about self
giving is self giving in marriage in particular. One of the easiest
"rules" or should I say "teachings" of the Church for me has always been
the issue of birth control. By its very nature, my heart has always
understood on a very practical level and also a very spiritual level the
meaning and depth behind this law. It is not in our right to take the
gift of fertility out of the hands of God and into ours. Along with the
harm it does to our bodies, the chance of chemical induced abortions
that are caused by the pill, and the way it destroys marriages, taking
out the "possibility of life" and leaving only the pleasure to remain.
But, I have to say that now, more than ever this has been a challenge
for me... not because my understanding has gone away, but because I have
come to a point of real surrender to God. I am in a moment where I am
exposed, out of control, and in a place I could argue (maybe), I did not
This has left me scrambling for answers. How
do I explain now that NFP works? Especially if I followed the rules. How
do I explain now that I am not an idiot? Or irresponsible? But, then I
realize, these are not the questions I need to be asking. It is not
about NFP. It is not about what others think or even what I think of
myself. It is about God. It is about trusting in Him. It is about
letting all my control go and letting Him choose what is best for me
even when I discern something different. It is a complete surrender to
His divine plan. A plan that He hopes will make us more like Him. "This
is my body, given up for you."
It will take me a lifetime to figure out how to surrender. Holiness comes slowly. It comes very
l o w l y. When I pray for a generous heart, at this moment, he is not
allowing me to cook more meals for people who are struggling. When I
pray for more patience, he does not only want me to be better at waiting
in line. When I pray for everything to be in order, his order is
different than my idea of order. Generosity comes from allowing him to
take my life, however he wants to. Patience comes from waiting for 16
weeks to feel better from morning sickness, and another 24 to get
through the back discomfort, the restless legs and the heartburn. The
order he wants, it must come from me ordering my life through the tiny
souls He has entrusted me and the daily tasks to help them survive.
Bentley #4 is due April 3rd. Our most unexpected expectation! After a
week of tears, I came to realize more than ever the gift and miracle
that I have been entrusted with... and that life is hard, I am going to
die, it's not about me and I am certainly not as important as I think.
On the other hand, to God I am so important... so much so that He made
no mistake in giving me this gift. So, now I accept it with a full and
Thank you to a husband who celebrates,
pulls SO much weight and just loves on me every single time we find out
we are expecting. For a man who has no limits in his giving. Already, he
lets me nap more, makes me eggs the moment I wake up to help curve the
sickness, and pushes through those difficult moments of kitchen clean up
and dirty diapers for Adam. I could not manage this path of fidelity to
God without you. It is very hard. But, it is an eternal soul, who will
exist for all time. My child is worth mountains of sacrifice and love
I want to offer this pregnancy for some
intentions very close to my heart. For those who have been told they
may no longer have babies. For those who want a child so badly and can
not. For those who have a difficult time conceiving. For those who have
recently had a miscarriage. For those who lack appreciation for their
fertility. And lastly, for those who are pregnant often, struggling
through the tired and sickness, the acceptance and the appreciation for
Lastly, I will leave you with a part of a
beautiful letter a friend sent to me when I expressed I was struggling
this time... so tired and so confused at God's plan... she sent me part
of a writing by a very holy priest, Fr. Jacques Philippe.
"If we decide to make an effort to achieve some spiritual progress
according to our ideas and our own criteria, we are by no means sure to
succeed. As we have seen, there is sometimes a big difference between
what God is actually asking of us, and what we imagine he is asking. We
won't have the grace to do what God is not asking of us. But for what
he is asking, he has promised us his grace: God grants what he commands.
When God inspires us to do something (if it really is God who is the
source of that inspiration), at the same time he supplies the ability to
do it, even if it is beyond our capacity or scares us at the start.
Every motion that comes from God brings both the light to understand
what God intends, and the strength to accomplish it: light that
illuminates the mind, and strength that gives power to the will."
Let's do this. Totus Tuus. I am totally yours, Lord.