Love your husband... the rest will follow...

Patrick and I just celebrated our 6th anniversary. It has flown. I say that... but, we have moved 2 times, had 3 babies, held 6 different jobs between the two of us to make ends meat, and got a PhD... and now, we are starting a school. God has provided soo much. I look back and cannot believe the countless graces, unexpected gifts, and amazing joy He has given to us. It has been tough and we have both worked hard, but every moment has sanctified and brought us closer to Our Lord Jesus.

About a month ago I was asking advice from someone I really respect about a certain situation in my life that I have been struggling with. I asked, "What should I do? What should I say? How do I act? Should I make a phone call about it? Should I yell about it? How can I make a difference?" She told me she knew exactly what I should do. First, stop worrying about it. Anxiety and fear never comes from God. Second, when the time does come, an honest open heart and a simple prayer to the Holy Spirit would do it. Don't make big plans to say grand things. God will help me. And lastly, she told me she had the key to everything. Drumroll, I thought to myself. I am ready for the magically and life changing answer. She told me that if I ever wanted to make a difference in anyone's life, that I need to love my husband as best I could. To make him first and foremost (next to Jesus of course) and that the rest would follow. That is all. That is what changes the world. Love my husband.

Thankful for the vocation of wife and mother today. Praying to be more faithful every day.

There are have been so many graces, but here is the first one...

It was one year ago on May 13th that I began my consecration to the Blessed Mother. I chose the 13th of May because it is rare a consecration would begin on that day, since the important detail is that your consecration ends on a feast day of the Blessed Virgin... and last year I took advantage of beginning on the Feast of Our Lady of Fatima. She is near and dear to me mostly because of the experience I had during my pregnancy with Gabriel... which I am happy to share in another post...

So, she never does allow us to outdo her in generosity. She has continued to bless me and give me many special graces during this month where I am celebrating my anniversary to giving my whole life over to Jesus through her. Just a few graces include a random visit to the chapel at EWTN, which we did not intend to do at all, Patrick's graduation from Vanderbilt, a new lake house which our family will spend many summers enjoying, but a place I also believe will be a place for many to find Christ. And lastly a recent detox, which I am almost certain rid my body of a parasite, which has been plaguing me for a few years now... my life is truly changed because of it. I have been in a constant state of struggle with my stomach for as long as I can remember. God is good. So, let me tell you how the month long anniversary began... it is the first grace of all the others...

I was on my way to the park about mid April and got pulled over by a cop car. What a humbling experience with your kids in the car. I have warned them time and time again that the police officer would get them if they were not buckled, didn't stop crying or didn't go to sleep at nap time. And now, look at me. I wasn't speeding. So, what did I do? I was being stopped because my back taillight was out. We meant to fix it but we were away most of the weekend running a retreat so put it off till the next week. It wasn't until he got out of his car and walked closer that my heart stopped beating and my breathing got heavy and I started sweating. I was not certain that my license had been renewed after I had turned 30 the week before. Patrick and I had a conversation that went something like, I will do it for you, ok, but if you really don't have time just tell me what website to go to and I got it. So, did it get done? We would find out soon. Nope. I was driving my three kids around without a license. Not only did the officer hold me there for 45 minutes but he proceeded to take a picture of me, take my prints and give me a court date. What was happening? I am going to court, I thought. No. I had to explain to my kids what had happened and that I wasn't a bad guy and that he wasn't taking me to jail. Then he let me go. We missed our play date at the park and ate our chick fil a picnic in the living room that day. Patrick came home to fix the light and renewed my license online about 30 seconds after I got home. Now, I had a court date. It was the Monday morning after graduation and on the feast of our lady of Fatima. This was the anniversary of the day I began my consecration to the blessed mother last year. I am not sure what she had up her sleeve but I wasn't being receptive to finding out.

What happened on Monday when I went to court was for me another reminder of the way God infuses his grace into my life. He never allows us to outdo him in generosity. It is a great mystery to me how he takes the simplest prayer, the lowliest person, the smallest opening in our hearts and moves mountains. So, let me tell you what happened. 

I arrived like the officer told me to at 6:30am, which meant I woke up at 5am, drug my kids out of bed and over to Jenny's house and Patrick, Adam and I drove downtown. I was third in line and thought, this is going to be a breeze. No prob. Just show them my renewed license and be on my way. They let me in, booked me, took my mug shot, and spent 20 minutes trying to get my prints. The officer ran my fingers and hands over the equipment about 25 times each... With no success and finally gave up and stuck with the partial prints he had. My hands were too dry to get prints. All those dishes did me in. He said he had never seen that before in his life. Afterward my hands were numb and swollen from the amount of times he pushed my little hands over the machine, shoving, pushing, pulling, spraying my hands to get something to work. I finally was told to go to courtroom 1A. I headed down there with Patrick, realized it didn't open till 8am and sent Patrick to get me food. By 8 I headed in, sat like a sardine in the middle of a bunch of smelly people and waited. No judge. 9:30 rolls around and the room is filling up. Still hadn't called me. I snuck into the bathroom stall to eat because they would've taken my food. And then proceeded to nurse Adam in the stall as well because there was nowhere to sit anywhere to nurse. Patrick stood outside the courtroom door to make sure I didn't miss my call and so I wouldn't be placed at the bottom of the pile. I sent them home. I knew it was going to be a long day. 

I waited as patiently as I could. Hours went by. The room continued to fill up. They continued to call names, but not mine. The judge was in and out. The people were restless. The room was tense. I prayed. I was so frustrated. I decided to take advantage of the moments I had there, alone and still. I prayed the rosary. I wished I had a book. I prayed some more. I made really good resolutions. I missed my kids. It was so hot in there. I prayed more. And then, I began to receive lights from God. A year ago I had consecrated myself to the Blessed Virgin, promising her that all of my prayers, sufferings, and everything else would be hers to do what she would like with. In that moment, she told me about the poor souls in purgatory. They awaited the just judge. It was hot. It was crowded. It was a time of impatience. This is what it will be like and you do not want to go there. The judge began to call people up and explain to them that they were there because of their own choice, their own doing. He sentenced them with all sorts of crazy things, from essays, to never going to a wal mart again in their entire life, to taking away their licenses and sending them to jail. What was I doing here? I continued to pray. I just wanted to go home. I knew at that moment that that desire to be home was the desire everyone feels in purgatory. They just want to be where they belong. I saw the sorrow in their faces. I saw the regret. I saw that they did not know that anyone loved them. Charges were called out. Trespassing, simple possession, theft, indecent exposure, disturbing the peace, driving with a suspended license. The consequences hurt. What was I doing in the same room? I did not want to be in there. I was given a newfound desire for Heaven, for skipping purgatory, for pulling myself closer to Christ, and most especially for praying for the poor souls in purgatory. It was all very real to me being there. It was scary. And it was a moment of grace.

It took 5 hours for them to call me up, ask for my renewed license, sign some paper and say, "thank you, Mrs. Bentley, your case has been dismissed, you may go now." I ran out of there as fast as I have ever ran out of anywhere. I called Patrick and begged he come to get me right away. I told him to call me so I could tell him where I was. I wanted to run. I have no sense of direction so I took off in the middle of downtown, heading nowhere. I wondered if I could be smart enough to find my way to St. Mary's so I could pray a while, but was certain that it would be locked.  As I continued on my way, I started to hear the bells ringing. I followed them. I ran faster ad faster! And found the church. It was open and when I walked in, Mass was beginning. I called Patrick to let him know I would be going to Mass. I sat down and cried. What a long morning! What a long run! And now, Mass! The moment I knelt down, I looked up at Mary and she made it clear that I had to go to court, so she could get me alone with her Son. I cannot remember the last time I was able to go to Mass alone. She reminded me that Our Lord would not be outdone I generosity and that He certainly remembered that I had consecrated myself to her. 

To put the icing on the cake, Fr. Baker was there to celebrate Mass and his homily spoke of the message of Our Lady of Fatima. How her appearance and her story and her message reminds us that as old fashioned as the modern world thinks the spiritual life to be, that truth shows it has meaning and influence on the temporal world. It matters. Prayer matters. It is real. We can not underestimate it. It was a huge grace. My favorite feast day. The day I began the consecration. She answered a pray for me that I have had in the depths of my heart so often lately... which is a deep desire to be alone with The Lord just for a moment in the silence, and most especially in the Mass. Thank you, Mary. 

Receptivity

I feel as if I could speak of this beauty until I am blue in the face. But on the other hand, I have accepted with my whole heart that it's OK if I do... because God has given me and my husband a special grace to understand His hope and desire for married love... not in its perfection or completeness, but in its joys and simplicity. And one that we will continue to learn as we grow old together on this adventure.

Adam was army crawling across the floor downstairs tonight and I looked over the balcony, called his name and said, "Hi, buddy!" His little eyes darted all around looking for his Mommy. He finally found me, looked up, gave the absolute sweetest little smile and then put his little hand in the air in a fist, which to him meant he waved. Patrick smiled up at me and instantly responded with, "We made him. He is amazing." My eyes started to water. How is it that Patrick gets it like I do? How is it that he gets it?

When he said that to me, it meant much more than "our kids are awesome." It meant, we have a gift in our marriage to create eternal souls... and we will never take it for granted, sterilize it, or destroy it. What we had discussed two weeks earlier in our Mom's Book Club came back to me. As mothers we are called to be receptive... we are to always say, "Yes, Lord" whether it be "Yes, I accept a child" or "Yes, I accept that now is not the best time to have a child" or "Yes, even though you have given us a child, you may take them away." In those moments of speaking with my friends we spoke about how it is not only us moms who are called to receptivity, but our amazing husbands have also taken on this vocation, and it is a beautiful experience as a woman to have a man stand beside you in this receptivity. God's plan for married love. It can not be separated from marriage and I am sure that this is why so many marriages are ending. Life does not continue to connect them.

Today I overhead some ladies speaking. I heard at least two of them state that if they knew for sure they would receive another child of a certain gender, then they would have another baby, but since they could not be certain, they probably would not attempt in case they failed. I had to do a double take. It was as if I was hearing them say, "Oh, I already have a red pair of shoes, so if you are giving me another pair of red ones, I don't want them, even if they are a free gift. BUT, on the other hand, if they are blue, then for sure, hand 'em over now." Children are not accessories. You don't have them to get one of each, you have them to teach them the love of Christ, so more people will then know the love of Christ! I did hold my tongue, but my heart hurt.

I get frustrated. I have to watch out for my judgements of others. I have to make sure I place an understanding there. Lord, allow me to be understanding. I have to remain being thankful for this grace in my marriage... the grace to "get" God's plan for married love, which is receptivity and joy, a joy that carries a heavy cross, but still, a great joy in being open to the gift of life.

All this being said, I am not pregnant. Not today. But, maybe tomorrow. ;)

It's Springtime around here, peeps

For the past two weeks Patrick has been bringing the boys out front to watch a nest, which is situated in a very cozy bush next to our front door. For a while there were 4 beautiful blue and brown eggs. See picture below. We noticed on rainy days the mommy bird would be sitting tall in the nest, protecting her eggs and when the sun was shining, she would wait on the roof of the house next door, keeping close watch. Days went by and to our sadness we did not get to witness the babies hatching out of their eggs, but we sure got a glimpse of them soon after. They were little fur balls, with beaks so small and little eyes that were closed. It was a miracle. I quickly resonated with that joy of waiting so long and then having a child born.

As the days have passed, the little birds have grown so fast. Their eyes have started to open more, their little wings are taking shape and you can even start to hear little cheeps. Each time we go outside, if the mommy bird is not on the roof watching, she is with them. And most of the time if she is on the roof, she is successfully holding some sort of yummy worms, which I suppose is lunch or supper... and as soon as we pull out of the driveway, she swoops down to feed them. I have also many times seen her swoop down to head butt another bird heading in the direction of the babies. It was courageous... and so... maternal!

The boys love when sometimes the babies mistake us for their mommy; we move leaves out of the way to see them and they stick their little heads up and open their beaks real wide. It has been one of those dream science projects that every mom wishes she could create in her back yard. God has sent us the miracle all on His own. It has been a great way to teach our kids about the beauty of life. And a great reminder to me as to how to be a mom... first you feed 'em, then you train 'em, and then you have to let them go... and fly on their own. I already feel sad that one day the little birds will be gone, but I feel proud about it too. There is such a beauty in this life.

Lent had a different plan for me

Today I stepped in a puddle on the carpet. "What happened guys?" I look next to the puddle to see that the bowl of cheerios, now had no cheerios, but only water. No, not water. Anthony announced that he went pee pee in the bowl (and on my carpet)! I mean Gabriel goes potty in cups and bottles all the time, especially when we can't find a potty or I am alone and have all three kids with me. So, today, I was patient. "OK, then please help me clean it up," followed by an explanation of where we go potty when we are home. There was definitely some confusion.  Last week, I would've exploded.

My sweet husband has been working so hard on his dissertation this past month. My life has turned into what I call "single mom mode." It has been the hardest thing I have ever done in my life (so far), physically, spiritually, emotionally, psychologically... and all the rest. I have a new found admiration and respect for military wives whose husbands are gone for a year at a time, and for those women who do not have a husband, and for those moms who have husbands who travel often to support their families. It has all been very eye opening for me.

Patrick recently read a book about a brave marine who pushed through a drug addiction to become one of the greatest men the marines has ever seen (even learning to be on the the best shooters with his left hand after his right hand was wounded). Patrick continued to tell me all about this book... but, he continued to mention the man's wife. She hung in there with him through every relapse, every deployment, every moment that was tough. And without her, the man would be nothing for sure. She pushed him and stood by him in the most difficult moments and with her there, he pulled through. It is inspiring. It inspired me this Lent, especially when I wanted to give up. A wife is always there. She stands strong so he can finish strong.

At the beginning of Lent I had high expectations for all the lovely things I was going to do to increase the holiness in my own soul. I would be giving up all my favorite things, reading an extraordinary book to help establish order in my life, and well, my life of virtue was going to go through the roof with all of the little extra acts of kindness and patience I was going to exemplify. Ha. Did I sure fool myself....

I was  2 weeks in when I finally bowed my head in desperation. I was anything but virtuous. I was yelling at my kids, being anything but patient, and I was angry that I had to be home ALL THE TIME by myself to do all the caring for, all the shopping, all the cooking and cleaning up, the laundry, the trash, etc. I was bitter and resentful. I was in a bad mood all day and SOO tired.

The Lord was very clear with me. My own personal Lenten plan was not a good one. I needed to refocus. My husband was working late for us... for our family... for our future... and he needed me. When I was on my way to throw in the towel, he told me he needed me, and by the grace of God, I responded. Christ was very clear that to get through the next 3 weeks, I most certainly would need my daily dose of chocolate, now was not the time to go gluten free and create beautiful meals, and my plan to become virtuous would not work without sleep.

So, new plan. Sleep was first again (I am always working on this). Patience was second. And lastly, was having lots of fun on purpose. It was embracing this cross with joy. It was accepting that I only had so many hours in the day and there would be a mess when I went to sleep, but only because I cared for my kids well and didn't busy myself with making everything perfect. It is truly embracing this cross. It is making my kids laugh as hard as they can. It is playing hide and seek, inviting a friend for dinner, lowering my voice, and making the time to take a nap. It is waking up in the morning and as grumpy as I feel, deciding to not be grumpy... the hardest part of my entire day.

I am often reminded during Lent that what Fr. Baker explained to us at the Lent by Candlelight is very true... the plan we have to make ourselves holy isn't always what God wants. He wants us to love better, even in the smallest way, in the very moment we are in. This has been very difficult for me. But, I am grateful to have a family who helps me, the best friends a girl could ask for, the happiest kids ever, a hardworking husband who tells me every day how much he appreciates me, and last but never least... Confession and the Eucharist. I will say those last ones again... Confession and the Eucharist. God's grace provides renewal for us and nourishment for us in these Sacraments.

Above, you will see the little men who are making me virtuous all day, every day. They are amazing.

In two weeks we defend this dissertation. I am so excited. I am so ready. PhD, here we come! And we await the Resurrection with great hope!

The grace of Lent

I find that every year at this time, I dread Lent as much as I look forward to it. I remember the times that I didn't put much effort into my fasting, prayer and alms giving, but I also remember more clearly the times of grace when I placed my energy into finding what Christ was calling me to do and to give up (or at least limit) in my life. This season I want to throw myself in head first.

One thing that can not be left off the Lenten list is time in prayer, time before the Blessed Sacrament and receiving the Eucharist at Mass. As a woman and as a wife and mother I have found that we have been given a gift in our femininity to give and give until their is nothing left... (sometimes we complain along the way), but nevertheless, we are really good at giving of ourselves. Because this is the case, we look to be filled back up in so many ways... and it is freeing when we realize that the only thing, only person, who can fill us up is Christ in the Eucharist. He is there waiting for us. He is there totally pouring Himself out to us. This is where we refill.

I have also found that as a wife and mother, we have to look very closely at the practical things that help us obtain virtue. I can not even begin to find patience, to find kindness, to find charity without sleep. We have to take care of ourselves so we can properly take care of our little people and the man of our dreams ;) Sleep is a priority in so many ways. It would then allow us to have the energy to get out and about in the fresh air, be motivated to have more dance parties, clean house, workout... and all the rest. It is a non-negotiable when it comes to virtue. Lent is a good time to reset a bedtime... and ignore the dishes, the TV, the internet... and whatever other night time guilty pleasures take our time.

As much as I hate fasting... cause I do, I have not had much of an opportunity to do so since I have been either pregnant or nursing every Lent for the past... oh, 4 years. Soo... if you have blood sugar issues or are pregnant or nursing, I have found that taking those yummy delicious treats out of your life and/or eating those food that you prefer less is a way you can still fast and sacrifice. And no meat on Fridays of course.

Then there are the tougher things that always need to be worked on. Fasting from speaking poorly of others, complaining, having a weepy attitude, and being on time. Whew! I am tired already. It's going to be a good workout this Lent. You will have to find your specific muscles that need to be strengthened.

As for my kids, I have found the most amazing website called Holy Heroes. They have daily activities to print out, daily videos to watch and even suggestions for what to do during this season. I love it. I ordered books and we have already watched our first 2 days of videos. Later tonight, we have planned to set up our prayer table... and they don't know it yet, but they are already watching less TV! Check it out... www.holyheroes.com

Patrick and I have also always tried to find some Lenten sacrifices in common with one another. Although Christ does call us to different things (I do not enjoy a beer nearly as much as Patrick!), and we have our individual sacrifices, we also find it is much easier to stick to the sacrifices we have chosen together... accountability does amazing things!

I pray for each of you as you grow in holiness during this Lenten season. I reflected on this yesterday and I love it. It is going to be my Lenten motto:

"I have always wanted to become a saint. Unfortunately, when I have compared myself with the saints, I have always found that there is the same difference between the saints and me as there is between a mountain whose summit is lost in the clouds and a humble grain of sand trodden underfoot by passersby. Instead of being discouraged, I told myself: God would not make me wish for something impossible and so, in spite of my littleness, I can aim at being a saint."
-St. Therese of Lisieux

Stay tuned for a sacrificial Lenten fast turned to love... Happy Valentine's Day! And blessings as you begin your 40 days.

never for granted

You will have to forgive me for my last post. It may have come across as one big huge enormous complaint. (I may only be apologizing to the five of you who I know read this blog! but nevertheless...) To be honest, sometimes I just get really worn out being a mommy and I had a really hard day that should've gone in a journal somewhere instead of on the blog... I think, but I will leave it there for you to see the joy at the end of it. But, I never ever take this vocation for granted... ever. I know of the thousands today who march in D.C. for life. I know of the millions who have been aborted. I know of the millions who have aborted... some I know personally.  I know of the pain of a miscarriage. I have seen the pain of infertility and then the joy of adoption. I will never take my little men for granted. Ever.

I read a beautiful post today from my friend, Maria, that reminded me of how the aches and pains of motherhood are only a reminder of sweet souls in our home, in our life and how very special and sweet that makes every moment. Here it is if you would like to be inspired...

http://theniewalds.blogspot.com/

Lord, help me to recognize your love and your life in each moment of my day. Help me to take nothing for granted.

Praying today for the 54 million souls who have lost their lives and for those who still believe it is OK.