When all the outside noise is stripped away, I am reminded of my marriage. Even though we generally fall asleep in conversation at night because we are both so wiped out... it is refreshing in a sense to be wiped out together.
Although I am sure this move is one of the many struggles we will bear together, I am discovering a bit of newness in us. We stayed up till midnight the other night just talking. We actually did not fall asleep. I had no work to do for a retreat or emails to answer for the school. We had managed to actually finish dishes before 10pm and we just sat and talked. I was reminded of the blessing of my marriage. I pray I always remember it. The gift that God granted us in one another... and that we will journey together till the end... in lots of good times and lots of bad. We have to hang on to those good... those sweet times, so we can make it through the tough ones. It was amazing how such a great time the night before really got me through my next day, as terrible as it was.
If nothing else makes sense right now, Patrick does. He is there every day, encouraging me, folding laundry, doing dishes, loving on our boys, having sincere conversation with each of us. He tries so hard to be so good and do his "duty" as a husband and father. We all need a rock. Of course, the Lord is always my rock, but He also provided me with Patrick... so I'll take him as my rock too. I am grateful for a new season we have now to discover one another in a different light... new home, new town, new baby... and more time (if you can imagine 4 kids giving you more time).
Grateful today for my groom.
Friday, January 31, 2014
Tuesday, January 28, 2014
A big change, but I am sure with lots of graces
Are we settled? Of course not. But, we have a working kitchen and the boys' room is good to go... for now, it's letting us get by. Beds to sleep in and a place to cook seems to be the survival needs of a family with 3 small children (and a hungry pregnant mommy!)
It has been a really tough few months for sure. The toughest I have ever had actually. Between being pregnant, saying good-bye and all the physical demands of packing and unpacking a home has been... well, quite demanding to say the least. I finally realized I was low on iron, which has helped a ton, but I am still exhausted. I think I will be... for at least the next 6 months. We have a new baby coming too.
Two days ago at Mass, I so appreciated the consolation Christ gave me in the homily. The priest began something like this... "What if you were able to pick up and leave everything behind? A new beginning. No one would know you, you wouldn't have the demands you use to have, you would have a clean slate. It would be just you and God. How would you feel? How would you handle it? Wouldn't it be such a grace? To leave everything behind and let Him mold you even further into who you were suppose to be?" A coincidence. I think not. As the last lonely week went by, I continued to wonder why I am here in such a small town, a small state, with no friends, and for the most part... with nothing. He tugged at my heart for the past few days as I have reflected on these words....
For the homily, the words led him to speak of the apostles leaving everything to follow Jesus... their livelihood, their families, everything that was normal to them... it was all to follow Jesus. It was to fulfill in such a deeper way the vocation they were being called to. So, this is where I find myself. Much of me could be dramatic and look at this move has a loss, a huge tragedy. Then I am reminded of my eternal goals... to fulfill my vocation, as wife first and then mother. I had lost track of them in Nashville. I was strung out and pulled thin by everything and everyone, all which were good, but all which were less important.
Already in the large amounts of silence and less distraction I have seen my family like I have not before. I have a ways to go with this, so I will share more later in that area. It has only been a week. But, I can already tell the attentiveness that was needed that I did not provide... to my husband and my children.
Please pray for me. I am feeling extra lonely. It has occurred to me that the phrase "Never alone, but very lonely" can fit well for a stay at home mom. I need prayers for trusting in God's continued work in me... to always be growing better and to be aware of this journey as a gift.
It has been a really tough few months for sure. The toughest I have ever had actually. Between being pregnant, saying good-bye and all the physical demands of packing and unpacking a home has been... well, quite demanding to say the least. I finally realized I was low on iron, which has helped a ton, but I am still exhausted. I think I will be... for at least the next 6 months. We have a new baby coming too.
Two days ago at Mass, I so appreciated the consolation Christ gave me in the homily. The priest began something like this... "What if you were able to pick up and leave everything behind? A new beginning. No one would know you, you wouldn't have the demands you use to have, you would have a clean slate. It would be just you and God. How would you feel? How would you handle it? Wouldn't it be such a grace? To leave everything behind and let Him mold you even further into who you were suppose to be?" A coincidence. I think not. As the last lonely week went by, I continued to wonder why I am here in such a small town, a small state, with no friends, and for the most part... with nothing. He tugged at my heart for the past few days as I have reflected on these words....
For the homily, the words led him to speak of the apostles leaving everything to follow Jesus... their livelihood, their families, everything that was normal to them... it was all to follow Jesus. It was to fulfill in such a deeper way the vocation they were being called to. So, this is where I find myself. Much of me could be dramatic and look at this move has a loss, a huge tragedy. Then I am reminded of my eternal goals... to fulfill my vocation, as wife first and then mother. I had lost track of them in Nashville. I was strung out and pulled thin by everything and everyone, all which were good, but all which were less important.
Already in the large amounts of silence and less distraction I have seen my family like I have not before. I have a ways to go with this, so I will share more later in that area. It has only been a week. But, I can already tell the attentiveness that was needed that I did not provide... to my husband and my children.
Please pray for me. I am feeling extra lonely. It has occurred to me that the phrase "Never alone, but very lonely" can fit well for a stay at home mom. I need prayers for trusting in God's continued work in me... to always be growing better and to be aware of this journey as a gift.
Monday, December 30, 2013
A few reflections on the passing of Judge Baker
Although I hadn't seen Judge Baker in a few months, he was always in our prayers. It is common that when someone is a part of your family, as Fr. Baker has been to ours, you tend to also love those close to them. This was a gift and grace for us to get to know Judge Baker. Our kids even had the opportunity to speak with him often after Mass, bring him to lunch and eat chocolate brownies with chocolate ice cream for dessert (because vanilla was unacceptable) and to pray for him in his last hours with our family. The last time our family was with him was when we picked him up to bring him to the University Catholic fish fry, where we enjoyed sophisticated conversation with him as always and a huge smile and great laugh.
I was blessed enough to attend his funeral Mass. It was beautiful. To see his son celebrate the Mass, to hear the singing of the monks and sisters, to experience the love and farewell from a community that loved him so much. Fr. Baker wore black vestments, which I have never seen worn before, but was really moved, realizing how much sacramentals are such a huge part of our liturgy.
Throughout the whole Mass there were two things that struck me most. One, was that I thought it was beautiful that during the blessing at the end, Fr. Baker mentioned both his mother and his father when praying for the deceased... I thought it beautiful, being married myself, that that would be an option in the final prayers for the dead. It really moved me to hear their names spoken together. Second, during the homily, the priest was speaking of all the human and spiritual marks Judge Baker had made on the community. One part really stood out. He said, "And then he came into full communion with the Catholic Church, thanks to the example of his children." This blew me away. What a gift! To know that giving life to this world could and does give life to us as parents... in so many ways! In this case, Judge Baker discovered the fullness of truth in the Catholic Church thanks to his daughter and son and their fidelity. It was so beautiful to me. It will leave a mark on my heart forever.
My last reflection is something I have constantly been thinking on. Even as a mom of such young children, I already know the final goal... my only prayer. For every parent who knows the love and mercy of God, you pray that no matter what, you die knowing your children have also discovered the love and mercy of God, that they know Christ personally, and that they will never tire in their journey to find Him, love Him and serve Him. What an amazing gift for this father! Both of his children by his side before his death... both whom know the love and mercy of God! I know with certainty the amazing peace Judge Baker had as a father and a man... Fr. Baker and Sr. Margaret Andrew, you were the biggest grace in his life.
One last thing. In all their simplicity, my 3 and 4 year old expressed their deep concern for Fr. Baker last week after sharing the news with them. I had already explained to them that Fr. Baker's mom was in Heaven and now I shared with them that Judge Baker had left to go there too. I loved their innocent reply to me.... "But wait," said Gabriel, "What will he do with no mom and no dad?" Anthony leaned in towards Gabriel's face, "I know. I know. He has a sister. Mommy said yesterday." Gabriel answered, "OH YEA, HIS SISTER, she will definitely take care of him." And then I hoped to remind them who their real mom and dad were, always there to take care of them... "Guys, who else is Fr. Baker's mom and dad?" "GOD AND MARY!" Yes, certainly. We always have a mom and dad with us. It was so simple. But, it is so true.
Judge Baker, we will miss you. I will most especially miss the story I heard every time I was with you. I know for certain that I heard this story most because my boys were right at the age where "John Sims" was when he was always jumping off the refrigerator. You would ask, "Do you know when John Sims stopped jumping off the refrigerator? When he learned to read." I have always been glad that my boys brought back a memory of your son as a young boy.
Rest in peace. We will pray for you. Pray for us.
Friday, December 20, 2013
I am yours
"I belong to everyone. Everyone can say: 'Padre
Pio is mine'."
-Padre Pio
The experience I have been having of saying good-bye has made me realize how much God's grace has blessed me, what amazing friends I have gained, what an incredible grace it has been to be a part of so many hearts. It is mysterious. Thank you, Jesus, today, for allowing me to give a piece of my heart to so many souls and ministries. I want to proclaim what Padre Pio has... thanks to You, Lord... "I belong to everyone." I am always here for each of you, in prayer, in thought, in my actions as a wife and mother... and through the amazing and mysterious Mystical Body of Christ.
I am seriously overwhelmed, exhausted, and so grateful for the past week. The time spent, the letters, the visits, the gifts, the words of kindness and gratitude, the tears. My time here has been a grace... and this good bye has been one of the biggest graces in my life thus far... I had no idea how much my family and I were loved. I am so humbled and so touched. Thank you.
(stay tuned for my thank you post... bring your tissues along)
-Padre Pio
The experience I have been having of saying good-bye has made me realize how much God's grace has blessed me, what amazing friends I have gained, what an incredible grace it has been to be a part of so many hearts. It is mysterious. Thank you, Jesus, today, for allowing me to give a piece of my heart to so many souls and ministries. I want to proclaim what Padre Pio has... thanks to You, Lord... "I belong to everyone." I am always here for each of you, in prayer, in thought, in my actions as a wife and mother... and through the amazing and mysterious Mystical Body of Christ.
I am seriously overwhelmed, exhausted, and so grateful for the past week. The time spent, the letters, the visits, the gifts, the words of kindness and gratitude, the tears. My time here has been a grace... and this good bye has been one of the biggest graces in my life thus far... I had no idea how much my family and I were loved. I am so humbled and so touched. Thank you.
(stay tuned for my thank you post... bring your tissues along)
Friday, November 22, 2013
We're having a GIRL!
Well, BOY was I surprised! We are having a GIRL! We went in thinking maybe we would get the gender in an envelope, get someone to bake us a cake with pink or blue inside or do some other crazy trick to get the reveal, but God knew it would be shock enough to find out in that moment. The ultrasound tech agreed to tell us right away before she performed the whole scan. It was almost instant that the baby made it possible to see... that she indeed was a GIRL! I was soo incredibly shocked. I started to cry, I covered my face and said, "No way! Are you serious?!" Anthony then started to cry because he thought I was sad. Patrick had to comfort him... and then had to recover from his own shock that now he was a daddy to a little girl. It was so exciting.
I have thought often of the moment I would get to hold a little girl, dress a little girl and buy a doll for my own daughter. I am dreading the differences I will have to adjust to with raising a daughter, but I really couldn't be more thrilled. Someone to have around to braid their hair, paint their nails, and dress up with bows and in lavendar. I still don't believe it.
The world has really attacked the dignity of the woman. I feel now I will be challenged with something much different than raising young holy men, but now, I will have to battle the messages that will be sent to her about the very being she was created to be, a daughter of God. I feel I need to pray much for her already. I have fought the battles myself and continue to as a mother and wife. What an opportunity! Fighting the good fight so she always knows she is worth so much. Thank you, Jesus, for my sweet baby girl.
Monday, November 4, 2013
Trying not to miss the opportunity
I am praying in many difficult moments. Trying to reflect on the daily gospel. I am praying when I am awake in the middle of the night. I am praying when I feel impatient and tired, when I have a headache and when my whole day consists of a sick child that I have to walk around on my shoulder while watching my house fall to pieces. I am praying in the many moments when I am not sure where I will be in the next fews months.
I am trying to not miss the opportunity to be sanctified at this time. It seems our Lord has asked us to surrender everything at this moment. I imagine these are the moments I will turn around and look at and remember the sweetness of being so out of control... of everything. I imagine he likes us best there, where we only have him to rely on. But, it is so very difficult.
In these moments where control is gone, there is so much sweetness in raising these three little boys, in feeling a small little one move around for the first time in my belly, and of learning how to use the one free minute I have each day for something worthwhile, of making the best of grocery money so I don't run out, of cleaning what I can and leaving the rest to be a disaster and trying not to care. Trying to grab on to the lessons I need to learn, the sweet children I have to enjoy and the husband who works so hard for us.
So, praying to be sanctified through every moment. Trying to pray. And trying to raise these adorable guys and enjoy it before it passes away.
These faces keep me going every day.
Adam has started walking. Finally at 16 months, and he never stops. He is working very hard on speaking, but only has a handful of words that are hard to figure out unless you are his parent. He says, "Da," "ba" for grape (i think because it looks like a ball), "caar" "cracka," and "ess" for YES. He giggles constantly. The picture below is a pretty good shot of what he looks like 75% of the day. He smiles with that little scrunched up nose and I just love it. He is into EVERYTHING. He shocks me every day. He climbs into the toilet, empties cabinets, pulls books off the shelf, steals toys from the older boys, climbs on everything, tries to open the fridge, empties the panty, and the list goes on. I have not seen him sit and play with one thing for longer than 30 seconds. He is quite the challenge. I do nothing but referee him most of the day. It is a great 2 hours when he naps. I wouldn't survive without that time to reboot myself to chase him once again when he wakes up. Adam is my joy. He is my trouble maker and my determined, never defeated warrior of it all.
Anthony just turned 3. He is just about the sweetest guy I have ever met. You can see it below in his eyes. He just wants to be hugged. He feels very deeply. His sad is very sad and his happy is overwhelming. He has begun to tell me stories more and more every day, his imagination is growing like rapid fire and he loves to eat. Every night at dinner I can always count on him trying everything I give him, loving it, saying "MMM" out loud and finishing it all... but slowly. He is always the last one done. He loves to be praised and hates to get in trouble. He is definitely the most sensitive of the bunch. He likes to drag things out, takes his time and right now, we are working very hard on listening. Last night as I bathed him, he looked at me for a good 5 seconds and then said, You have blue eyes, Mom. Can I touch them?" To anyone else it would've been weird, but to me, I knew without a doubt, Anthony was giving me a compliment. I so appreciate that he is so observant. He is going to be awesome with the new baby. Every day he is kissing and hugging my belly and continues to tell me that I am getting, "'Bigga, bigga, bigga" (bigger). He wants the baby to be here now and he wants it to be a boy. He is exceptionally sweet and exceptionally trouble!
Gabriel, my oldest and most responsible. He can sometimes come across as a little boss man or controlling, but the bottom line is, he is the oldest, he likes order, he likes to help and he really likes to make sure things run smoothly (his way!) I have begun to appreciate it more and more. He is supremely observant and checks on things, watches out for his brothers, and keeps them in line as best he can... and I have to say that most of the time it is truly out of care. He does not forget anything. I am shocked daily when he tells me stories in detail about when he was one, two or three years old. He is always right on and remembers much better than I about events and great moments of his life. He is super athletic, a really fast runner and a quick learner. He had been asking us to buy him legos for about a year now and my mom finally bought him some... he put everything together on his own... every small intricate piece with the guidance of Patrick showing him the directions... I feel bad it took us a year (but legos are for 6 years and up). He LOVES power rangers and ninjas and loves to pretend fight. He has begun to fold laundry with me and empties the dishwasher. I have realized the pride he takes in having jobs and duties and I am encouraged as mom to keep it up and never underestimate little hands and feet to help me. He wants the new baby to be a girl and has given me many name suggestions and wants to change diapers (sure, dude!) Gabriel is my absolute caretaker and such a little gentlemen.
They sanctify me in all their strengths and in all their weaknesses. I realize more each day I am with them how much of myself I need to improve on so they will learn to love better. They have also made me realize that children are such a gift. Recently I have been asked so often if I will have more children if this one is not a girl. Of course I will. It's not about that. It's about each one, boy or girl, who are so unique and so different and so special in their own way that God made them. Another boy isn't just another boy. They are each so amazing.
I am trying to not miss the opportunity to be sanctified at this time. It seems our Lord has asked us to surrender everything at this moment. I imagine these are the moments I will turn around and look at and remember the sweetness of being so out of control... of everything. I imagine he likes us best there, where we only have him to rely on. But, it is so very difficult.
In these moments where control is gone, there is so much sweetness in raising these three little boys, in feeling a small little one move around for the first time in my belly, and of learning how to use the one free minute I have each day for something worthwhile, of making the best of grocery money so I don't run out, of cleaning what I can and leaving the rest to be a disaster and trying not to care. Trying to grab on to the lessons I need to learn, the sweet children I have to enjoy and the husband who works so hard for us.
So, praying to be sanctified through every moment. Trying to pray. And trying to raise these adorable guys and enjoy it before it passes away.
These faces keep me going every day.
Adam has started walking. Finally at 16 months, and he never stops. He is working very hard on speaking, but only has a handful of words that are hard to figure out unless you are his parent. He says, "Da," "ba" for grape (i think because it looks like a ball), "caar" "cracka," and "ess" for YES. He giggles constantly. The picture below is a pretty good shot of what he looks like 75% of the day. He smiles with that little scrunched up nose and I just love it. He is into EVERYTHING. He shocks me every day. He climbs into the toilet, empties cabinets, pulls books off the shelf, steals toys from the older boys, climbs on everything, tries to open the fridge, empties the panty, and the list goes on. I have not seen him sit and play with one thing for longer than 30 seconds. He is quite the challenge. I do nothing but referee him most of the day. It is a great 2 hours when he naps. I wouldn't survive without that time to reboot myself to chase him once again when he wakes up. Adam is my joy. He is my trouble maker and my determined, never defeated warrior of it all.
Anthony just turned 3. He is just about the sweetest guy I have ever met. You can see it below in his eyes. He just wants to be hugged. He feels very deeply. His sad is very sad and his happy is overwhelming. He has begun to tell me stories more and more every day, his imagination is growing like rapid fire and he loves to eat. Every night at dinner I can always count on him trying everything I give him, loving it, saying "MMM" out loud and finishing it all... but slowly. He is always the last one done. He loves to be praised and hates to get in trouble. He is definitely the most sensitive of the bunch. He likes to drag things out, takes his time and right now, we are working very hard on listening. Last night as I bathed him, he looked at me for a good 5 seconds and then said, You have blue eyes, Mom. Can I touch them?" To anyone else it would've been weird, but to me, I knew without a doubt, Anthony was giving me a compliment. I so appreciate that he is so observant. He is going to be awesome with the new baby. Every day he is kissing and hugging my belly and continues to tell me that I am getting, "'Bigga, bigga, bigga" (bigger). He wants the baby to be here now and he wants it to be a boy. He is exceptionally sweet and exceptionally trouble!
Gabriel, my oldest and most responsible. He can sometimes come across as a little boss man or controlling, but the bottom line is, he is the oldest, he likes order, he likes to help and he really likes to make sure things run smoothly (his way!) I have begun to appreciate it more and more. He is supremely observant and checks on things, watches out for his brothers, and keeps them in line as best he can... and I have to say that most of the time it is truly out of care. He does not forget anything. I am shocked daily when he tells me stories in detail about when he was one, two or three years old. He is always right on and remembers much better than I about events and great moments of his life. He is super athletic, a really fast runner and a quick learner. He had been asking us to buy him legos for about a year now and my mom finally bought him some... he put everything together on his own... every small intricate piece with the guidance of Patrick showing him the directions... I feel bad it took us a year (but legos are for 6 years and up). He LOVES power rangers and ninjas and loves to pretend fight. He has begun to fold laundry with me and empties the dishwasher. I have realized the pride he takes in having jobs and duties and I am encouraged as mom to keep it up and never underestimate little hands and feet to help me. He wants the new baby to be a girl and has given me many name suggestions and wants to change diapers (sure, dude!) Gabriel is my absolute caretaker and such a little gentlemen.
They sanctify me in all their strengths and in all their weaknesses. I realize more each day I am with them how much of myself I need to improve on so they will learn to love better. They have also made me realize that children are such a gift. Recently I have been asked so often if I will have more children if this one is not a girl. Of course I will. It's not about that. It's about each one, boy or girl, who are so unique and so different and so special in their own way that God made them. Another boy isn't just another boy. They are each so amazing.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
A reflection for a tough few months
"The decision about the number of children and the sacrifices to be made for them must not be taken only with a view to adding comfort and preserving a peaceful existence. Reflecting upon this matter before God, with the graces drawn from the sacrament, and guided by the teaching of the Church, parents will remind themselves that it is certainly less serious to deny their children certain comforts or material advantages than to deprive them of the presence of brothers and sisters who could help them to grow in humanity and to realize the beauty of life at all ages and in all its variety" (1979). Blessed Pope John Paul II
I am glad that JPII can always put us in our place. It has been tough being pregnant this time around. The migraines have done me in. The exhaustion, sick kids, and finances have caused stress and worries. But, the moment is always passing. The grace is always there for that moment and we get through it. And when I worry about what I can not give to them, I love to be refocused on what I am giving them: one another. I feel certain nothing can ever be more important than that. If my only goal is to teach them love, well then, the school of siblings is the best. A teacher of selfless love, helping one another, pitching in, feeling part of something bigger than yourself, having friendship and companions, having more people in your daily life to love and love you. I can't see that anything would weigh heavier than love. In the end, that is all that remains anyway.
I am glad that JPII can always put us in our place. It has been tough being pregnant this time around. The migraines have done me in. The exhaustion, sick kids, and finances have caused stress and worries. But, the moment is always passing. The grace is always there for that moment and we get through it. And when I worry about what I can not give to them, I love to be refocused on what I am giving them: one another. I feel certain nothing can ever be more important than that. If my only goal is to teach them love, well then, the school of siblings is the best. A teacher of selfless love, helping one another, pitching in, feeling part of something bigger than yourself, having friendship and companions, having more people in your daily life to love and love you. I can't see that anything would weigh heavier than love. In the end, that is all that remains anyway.
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